More Matterings
We were at a meeting this morning, my husband and I. We didn't go together. We didn't know the other would be present. He was more surprised than I.
The meeting was a gathering of facilitators for various recovery programs in his new home church. I've been asked to be part of the leadership team for one of these programs but I hadn't told him. I rarely tell him much. He's usually not interested.
The pastor spoke about the importance of "Speaking the Language of the Heart [which] includes the ability to understand interpersonal 'road signs' and respond effectively." These include:
1. Please listen to me, I need to be understood (to listen actively, give full attention, keep your mind focused, hear their story);
2. Please accept me, I'm under construction, be cautious with me (let the speaker finish without interupting, let yourself finish listening and allow silence after the person has spoke to give time to generate your own thoughts, understand their story);
3. Please connect with me, I need relationship, merge with me (ask relevant questions, seek to clarify, give thoughtful feedback, seeking to be honest and loving, share your story);
4. Please inspire me, I need hope (speak from the soul, speak about hope, speak with passion).
Being able to read these signs in people is as important for effective care-giving in ministry as for other relationships, such as marriage. It hurt to sit beside my husband, listening to the importance of being able to read these signs in others and knowing that he doesn't do so with me. It's a matter of mattering. If you won't listen to, accept or connect with me, are you really interested in me? Do I matter to you? Do I matter to my husband?
At home, afterwards, he commented that our reptilian pets are not emotionally sympathetic. "Neither are our husbands," I replied rather caustically. He looked at me in surprise. "What's wrong? I didn't do anything wrong!" And thus opened the most amazing discussion.
He did not argue with me. He didn't get defensive. He listened as I told him what a lousy listener he is. He accepted what I had to say about how unaccepting he is. He stayed connected as I complained about his lack of connection. He inspired me with hope as he told me he's been praying for a way to connect with me and asked what, more precisely, he could do. He admitted he doesn't listen when he's not interested and admitted he rarely listens to me. Ergo, he hasn't been interested in me. I haven't mattered to him. But he wants to change that. Has someone given me a new husband? Where'd this guy come from? I don't know him!
I think I'm beginning to matter!
Though of course I've always mattered to God, which is really the only mattering that truly matters.
The meeting was a gathering of facilitators for various recovery programs in his new home church. I've been asked to be part of the leadership team for one of these programs but I hadn't told him. I rarely tell him much. He's usually not interested.
The pastor spoke about the importance of "Speaking the Language of the Heart [which] includes the ability to understand interpersonal 'road signs' and respond effectively." These include:
1. Please listen to me, I need to be understood (to listen actively, give full attention, keep your mind focused, hear their story);
2. Please accept me, I'm under construction, be cautious with me (let the speaker finish without interupting, let yourself finish listening and allow silence after the person has spoke to give time to generate your own thoughts, understand their story);
3. Please connect with me, I need relationship, merge with me (ask relevant questions, seek to clarify, give thoughtful feedback, seeking to be honest and loving, share your story);
4. Please inspire me, I need hope (speak from the soul, speak about hope, speak with passion).
Being able to read these signs in people is as important for effective care-giving in ministry as for other relationships, such as marriage. It hurt to sit beside my husband, listening to the importance of being able to read these signs in others and knowing that he doesn't do so with me. It's a matter of mattering. If you won't listen to, accept or connect with me, are you really interested in me? Do I matter to you? Do I matter to my husband?
At home, afterwards, he commented that our reptilian pets are not emotionally sympathetic. "Neither are our husbands," I replied rather caustically. He looked at me in surprise. "What's wrong? I didn't do anything wrong!" And thus opened the most amazing discussion.
He did not argue with me. He didn't get defensive. He listened as I told him what a lousy listener he is. He accepted what I had to say about how unaccepting he is. He stayed connected as I complained about his lack of connection. He inspired me with hope as he told me he's been praying for a way to connect with me and asked what, more precisely, he could do. He admitted he doesn't listen when he's not interested and admitted he rarely listens to me. Ergo, he hasn't been interested in me. I haven't mattered to him. But he wants to change that. Has someone given me a new husband? Where'd this guy come from? I don't know him!
I think I'm beginning to matter!
Though of course I've always mattered to God, which is really the only mattering that truly matters.
posted by Magdaleine at 1:09 AM
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