Why so Bold?
Someone wrote to me,
God has used an Internet community I'm part of very powerfully in my life over the past 4 1/2 years. I would not be where I am today if it wasn't for for this community and the people I've met there. It is because of their love and graciousness that I've learned how to be bold in what I share.
This boldness actually came out of fear. Over four years ago, a member of that community began a conversation, with my encouragement, telling how she felt violated and upset because someone in the community she had trusted ... I don't remember how she worded it but basically saying that another woman was sexually interested in her or something to that effect. It was worded in such a way that at least one person was lividly angry on her behalf. Others tried to be consoling and encouraging to her. She used a pseudonym so no one would recognize her but her style of writing was such that anyone who knew her well would soon figure out who she was. Most people knew that I was her best friend in the community and I was deathly afraid they'd figure out that I was the woman she was talking about. I had made the mistake of confessing my attraction to her a few days previously, doing so in a repentant manner and, on the advice of someone I trusted, had told her that I was ending our friendship. I didn't want the attraction and I didn't want to do anything that would foster it. This was before the conversation I'm describing was started.
As I said, I was afraid people would figure out on their own that I was the woman mentioned in that conversation and was afraid that all the close friendships I'd developed in the previous several months would end as people began to whisper behind my back, unwilling to face me directly and yet unwilling to have anything to do with someone who had behaved so vilely. After much prayer and deliberation, I decided I'd rather have people angry with me directly, rather than behind my back, never knowing who guessed it was me or who was politely trying to avoid me because of their disgust with me. And so I went into that conversation and "came out", admitting that I was the one described in the opening post.
I was sure that within 24 hours I would be booted out of the lives of everyone who had come to mean so much to me and was amazed at the love that poured out to me, people showing appreciation for my honesty and my willingness to come clean. I made a number of new and very dear friends that day as well, strangers who, amazingly, were blessed by my openness. It was one of the best things to ever happen to me, this disclosure. Up until this point, I had not ever come face to face with my same-sex attraction and hadn't known how to be free of it. Now, to my amazement, I had a whole community of friends who were standing by me in support and love. And so, amazed by the love that poured out to me at my first bold admission, I began to realize that I could continue to be honest about myself because it brought about blessing to both me and to others.
It is this community, more than any other single source, that God has used to bring healing and change into my life. I am very grateful to them and to God who brought me to them and am determined to continue to share my life--the good and the bad-- because, as I do, I'm hoping those who read will see just how gracious, loving and powerful God is.
This blog is a way for you to share in the journey. God's not done with me yet. He cleans me up in an area and then I go play in the mud again. I'm so very fickle. And yet we serve a faithful God who perseveres in His passionate pursuit of us. He keeps cleaning me off and pointing me to where He wants me to be and more and more I'm learning how to be obedient.
Maggie, you have shared areas of your life that not too many people would have the courage and strength to do.
By you opening yourself up, you are helping somebody out there who is apprehensive or even afraid to speak up. You speak what you've been through and you speak from the heart. I truly appreciate your boldness.
God is going to bless you mightly for your obedience and willingness. Thank you again.
God has used an Internet community I'm part of very powerfully in my life over the past 4 1/2 years. I would not be where I am today if it wasn't for for this community and the people I've met there. It is because of their love and graciousness that I've learned how to be bold in what I share.
This boldness actually came out of fear. Over four years ago, a member of that community began a conversation, with my encouragement, telling how she felt violated and upset because someone in the community she had trusted ... I don't remember how she worded it but basically saying that another woman was sexually interested in her or something to that effect. It was worded in such a way that at least one person was lividly angry on her behalf. Others tried to be consoling and encouraging to her. She used a pseudonym so no one would recognize her but her style of writing was such that anyone who knew her well would soon figure out who she was. Most people knew that I was her best friend in the community and I was deathly afraid they'd figure out that I was the woman she was talking about. I had made the mistake of confessing my attraction to her a few days previously, doing so in a repentant manner and, on the advice of someone I trusted, had told her that I was ending our friendship. I didn't want the attraction and I didn't want to do anything that would foster it. This was before the conversation I'm describing was started.
As I said, I was afraid people would figure out on their own that I was the woman mentioned in that conversation and was afraid that all the close friendships I'd developed in the previous several months would end as people began to whisper behind my back, unwilling to face me directly and yet unwilling to have anything to do with someone who had behaved so vilely. After much prayer and deliberation, I decided I'd rather have people angry with me directly, rather than behind my back, never knowing who guessed it was me or who was politely trying to avoid me because of their disgust with me. And so I went into that conversation and "came out", admitting that I was the one described in the opening post.
I was sure that within 24 hours I would be booted out of the lives of everyone who had come to mean so much to me and was amazed at the love that poured out to me, people showing appreciation for my honesty and my willingness to come clean. I made a number of new and very dear friends that day as well, strangers who, amazingly, were blessed by my openness. It was one of the best things to ever happen to me, this disclosure. Up until this point, I had not ever come face to face with my same-sex attraction and hadn't known how to be free of it. Now, to my amazement, I had a whole community of friends who were standing by me in support and love. And so, amazed by the love that poured out to me at my first bold admission, I began to realize that I could continue to be honest about myself because it brought about blessing to both me and to others.
It is this community, more than any other single source, that God has used to bring healing and change into my life. I am very grateful to them and to God who brought me to them and am determined to continue to share my life--the good and the bad-- because, as I do, I'm hoping those who read will see just how gracious, loving and powerful God is.
This blog is a way for you to share in the journey. God's not done with me yet. He cleans me up in an area and then I go play in the mud again. I'm so very fickle. And yet we serve a faithful God who perseveres in His passionate pursuit of us. He keeps cleaning me off and pointing me to where He wants me to be and more and more I'm learning how to be obedient.
posted by Magdaleine at 7:40 AM
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