Writing an Unfinished Story

Two summers ago I finished writing the book about my struggle with same-sex attraction. That was the same summer that God promised that my marriage would be healed, better than I can imagine. But He also gave me an instruction and that was to begin a book about my marriage. I put it off for one reason or another until this January, God started hassling me about it. So finally, less than a month ago, I began hunting for my old diaries and the letters my husband and I had exchanged during our "courtship". I found some of my diaries and the letters I sent, though not the letters he sent. It is enough to begin. I'm transcribing everything, putting it into a Word document in chronological order and then, once that's done I'll be able to sort things out from there and begin to look for the story God wants me to write.

How can I write a book about my marriage when it's still in shambles, you might ask. How indeed! When I started the first book, I was deep into an ssa relationship that should not have been (though I had become so blind that I didn't see the dangers of it until it was too late). I was still living the unfinished story. God's got a sense of humour when He gets a person writing the story of their deliverance when they're still in need of deliverance. And so now, though there's no sign of anything improving in my marriage, I'm starting the story of how God did (will do) a miracle in our lives and changed (will change) our marriage completely around to be a blessing instead of a curse.

I haven't a clue how it's going to happen but I can't help wondering if the process of writing the story will somehow trigger the change. Certainly transcribing all these diaries, journals and letters will give me a good look into what happened and what I thought about it at the time. It's already been an interesting journey.

I started the letters yesterday or the day before, having done all the diaries prior to our marriage. We met in the summer 1970. I was 14. We married at the end of December 1973, on my 18th birthday. I found, as I started to transcribe, that my stomach was turning in knots. It has been a painful relationship right from the beginning and returning to that time obviously stirred things up in my sub-consciousness.

As I wondered what to do about this, and discussed the pain with a friend who thinks I’m nuts to be returning, in any way, to such a painful time, it occurred to me what to do. So, as I’m transcribing these letters, I’m praying, “God, show me the Truth about all this!” Knowing the facts isn’t enough. It’s important to know the Truth. While the story is one that is full of pain, it is, essentially, a redemptive story, even if the redeeming hasn’t happened yet. I’m also realizing, when the pain comes, that this is a signal of unhealed wounds. And so when the pain comes, I’m using that as an opportunity to ask God for healing. I know I am in need of a lot of healing in regards to this relationship. The pain is also a sign of the need to forgive and so I’m asking God for the grace to do that too, for each wound that surfaces.

Another friend recently gave me two passages from the Bible which she put together as one:

Fret not yourself because of evildoers
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
Lean not to your own understanding
In all your ways acknowledge him
And He will direct your paths.

She gave it to me in regards to another troublesome relationship but I think it works for this as well. I’ve written it out and pasted it on my monitor as a reminder.

So, I’ll likely be sharing snippets from diaries and letters and insights I gain as I go through this process. There are a lot of letters to go through—2 oversized shoe boxes (more like boot boxes) full—and those are mostly BEFORE marriage. Then there will be all the journals after. It’s a rather daunting task but I’m expecting God to be showing me things. In fact, he already has.