Meltdowns
Christmas was a very difficult time for me. Part of the problem had been that I’d been sick in the weeks leading up to Christmas. By the Monday before Christmas, I’d started improving and, with Christmas so close I had to start working full-tilt on getting ready. My deadline for being ready was Thursday at 6 p.m. because I had small group from church that night, my birthday the next day (I don't get ready for Christmas on my birthday, instead it's a day of complete rest) and Saturday, Christmas Eve, was Christmas Day for me--I'd wake up way earlier than usual to start cooking and would continue "doing Christmas" till past midnight: a couple meals, church, opening presents.
It looked like I was going to be ready on time, though it was really taking a toll on my energy level, but late Thursday afternoon, before I'd finished grocery shopping for Christmas, my car died. That meant my birthday was not a day of rest and so, by Christmas Eve, when I needed all the energy I could muster, I had little. My boys were wonderful in the help they provided but by the end of Christmas dinner, I had a meltdown. The most obvious symptom were tears that I couldn't keep back but the real symptoms were such a total exhaustion—physically, mentally and emotionally—that I couldn't do a single thing. I escaped from the room, my family and guests and spent the next hour soaking in the bathtub, reading my Bible, praying and trying to figure out what was going on. That was enough to enable me to make it through the rest of the day and evening.
The next day was Christmas Day and we went to my mom's. I had no obligations this day. I didn't have to bring anything and I didn't have to do anything once I got there. My mom noticed something was wrong, though, and the fact that she noticed and cared started my tears going again. After that, the smallest thing triggered them. By the end of THAT meal, again I was in such a bad state that all I wanted to do was go home but I didn't want to spoil everyone else's Christmas and they all wanted to play a game. I went and lay down in one of the bedrooms until everyone was ready to go home.
I planned Monday to simply rest. I figured if I just rested a day, I'd be okay. Surely this was just because I'd worked so hard without a rest. But Monday wasn't a day of rest. My son was flying to see his girlfriend but when we went to check him in, after much confusion and the help of more than 6 agents, it became evident that his expedia ticket was never issued. It took all day and much energy to sort that out and finally get him on another plane at the same cost he had expected.
Tuesday was my designated day to rest and I did--till I had another meltdown. This time there was no obvious reason and I was beginning to get scared. I had a milestone birthday this year and was throwing a big party in my home the following weekend with over 60 guests invited (I'm not a party person by any means--I usually avoid them--but milestones need to be celebrated). I needed my energy to get my house in order. How in the world was I going to do it if I kept falling apart? I'd discussed the problem with a friend the night before and she was quite alarmed. Now, with this inexplicable meltdown I began to wonder, am I going insane? Am I having a nervous breakdown, whatever that is?
Each meltdown, aside from the tears, was a complete lack of ability to function even in the smallest ways. Even when I wasn't in the crisis moments that I described, my energy (physical, mental and emotional) was so low I wasn't even able to put together a plate of leftovers to heat and eat. I couldn’t even make tea which I usually drink nearly non-stop. I couldn't make decisions. I could do next to nothing except what I absolutely HAD to do (like helping my son at the airport--somehow I was able to do that).
I was chatting with a friend and asked her to pray for me. She told me she would but urged me to find someone who could lay hands on me and pray for me in person. I've never asked anyone to go out of their way to do that so it was scary but I was in desperate straights and so I asked a couple from church if they'd be willing.
When I got to their place, the husband started asking me many questions to try and figure out what was going on and why. I had kind of figured out it was stress and he agreed. He came to the conclusion that it wasn't really all the work related to getting ready for Christmas but rather the stress from over 30 years of a very painful and difficult marriage. At first it seemed kind of old news that my husband is stressing me. Why crack up now? My friend basically said that it was the straw that broke the camel's back (he used a different illustration--same idea).
As I pondered, I realized that I'd actually been handed a gift. I think I was able to realize this because, through the whole ordeal, I'd made an extra effort to "feed on" Jesus. I even escaped to the washroom at my mom's place at one point before the meal just to pray and regroup with God. I was spending extra time in prayer, meditation, worship (quietly, in my head, because I had no energy for anything else), Bible memory (reviewing what I've learned) and making a point to read my Bible.
So why was the realization that the problem was stress from living with my husband a gift? One question I was asked at the end was, "What do you want?" Well, I can't change my husband as much as I might want to. But I can change me. What I want is to be able to keep my equilibrium, my peace, my health and my ability to function well regardless of what happens to or near me, no matter what anyone says or does. I know I've come a long way in this but it's evident that I still have a long way to go. Now that I know the problem, I can begin to deal with it.
Already the next morning I found myself evaluating my attitude and internal responses to things my husband said or did and presenting them before God. I think I've been getting very angry at many of his behaviours and, in an effort to keep the peace, I've stuffed the anger which, in turn, has created so much stress that I couldn't function. I never realized (not really--I knew it in theory only) that I had a choice in how I responded. I don't HAVE to get angry or annoyed. I'm not sure yet how I'm going to make that happen but I know that God has done some amazing things in my life in the last several months so I don't doubt that He'll show me the way through all this.
It looked like I was going to be ready on time, though it was really taking a toll on my energy level, but late Thursday afternoon, before I'd finished grocery shopping for Christmas, my car died. That meant my birthday was not a day of rest and so, by Christmas Eve, when I needed all the energy I could muster, I had little. My boys were wonderful in the help they provided but by the end of Christmas dinner, I had a meltdown. The most obvious symptom were tears that I couldn't keep back but the real symptoms were such a total exhaustion—physically, mentally and emotionally—that I couldn't do a single thing. I escaped from the room, my family and guests and spent the next hour soaking in the bathtub, reading my Bible, praying and trying to figure out what was going on. That was enough to enable me to make it through the rest of the day and evening.
The next day was Christmas Day and we went to my mom's. I had no obligations this day. I didn't have to bring anything and I didn't have to do anything once I got there. My mom noticed something was wrong, though, and the fact that she noticed and cared started my tears going again. After that, the smallest thing triggered them. By the end of THAT meal, again I was in such a bad state that all I wanted to do was go home but I didn't want to spoil everyone else's Christmas and they all wanted to play a game. I went and lay down in one of the bedrooms until everyone was ready to go home.
I planned Monday to simply rest. I figured if I just rested a day, I'd be okay. Surely this was just because I'd worked so hard without a rest. But Monday wasn't a day of rest. My son was flying to see his girlfriend but when we went to check him in, after much confusion and the help of more than 6 agents, it became evident that his expedia ticket was never issued. It took all day and much energy to sort that out and finally get him on another plane at the same cost he had expected.
Tuesday was my designated day to rest and I did--till I had another meltdown. This time there was no obvious reason and I was beginning to get scared. I had a milestone birthday this year and was throwing a big party in my home the following weekend with over 60 guests invited (I'm not a party person by any means--I usually avoid them--but milestones need to be celebrated). I needed my energy to get my house in order. How in the world was I going to do it if I kept falling apart? I'd discussed the problem with a friend the night before and she was quite alarmed. Now, with this inexplicable meltdown I began to wonder, am I going insane? Am I having a nervous breakdown, whatever that is?
Each meltdown, aside from the tears, was a complete lack of ability to function even in the smallest ways. Even when I wasn't in the crisis moments that I described, my energy (physical, mental and emotional) was so low I wasn't even able to put together a plate of leftovers to heat and eat. I couldn’t even make tea which I usually drink nearly non-stop. I couldn't make decisions. I could do next to nothing except what I absolutely HAD to do (like helping my son at the airport--somehow I was able to do that).
I was chatting with a friend and asked her to pray for me. She told me she would but urged me to find someone who could lay hands on me and pray for me in person. I've never asked anyone to go out of their way to do that so it was scary but I was in desperate straights and so I asked a couple from church if they'd be willing.
When I got to their place, the husband started asking me many questions to try and figure out what was going on and why. I had kind of figured out it was stress and he agreed. He came to the conclusion that it wasn't really all the work related to getting ready for Christmas but rather the stress from over 30 years of a very painful and difficult marriage. At first it seemed kind of old news that my husband is stressing me. Why crack up now? My friend basically said that it was the straw that broke the camel's back (he used a different illustration--same idea).
As I pondered, I realized that I'd actually been handed a gift. I think I was able to realize this because, through the whole ordeal, I'd made an extra effort to "feed on" Jesus. I even escaped to the washroom at my mom's place at one point before the meal just to pray and regroup with God. I was spending extra time in prayer, meditation, worship (quietly, in my head, because I had no energy for anything else), Bible memory (reviewing what I've learned) and making a point to read my Bible.
So why was the realization that the problem was stress from living with my husband a gift? One question I was asked at the end was, "What do you want?" Well, I can't change my husband as much as I might want to. But I can change me. What I want is to be able to keep my equilibrium, my peace, my health and my ability to function well regardless of what happens to or near me, no matter what anyone says or does. I know I've come a long way in this but it's evident that I still have a long way to go. Now that I know the problem, I can begin to deal with it.
Already the next morning I found myself evaluating my attitude and internal responses to things my husband said or did and presenting them before God. I think I've been getting very angry at many of his behaviours and, in an effort to keep the peace, I've stuffed the anger which, in turn, has created so much stress that I couldn't function. I never realized (not really--I knew it in theory only) that I had a choice in how I responded. I don't HAVE to get angry or annoyed. I'm not sure yet how I'm going to make that happen but I know that God has done some amazing things in my life in the last several months so I don't doubt that He'll show me the way through all this.
posted by Magdaleine at 9:14 AM
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