An Insight

Saturday evening I went out to eat and wrote out some thoughts. I want emotional intimacy with my husband but he doesn’t seem to know what that looks like, never mind how to develop it. But what if, instead of waiting for him to give me what he may not know how to give, I began to do the things I’ve done or wanted to do with those with whom I have felt emotionally connected?

For instance, I used to send e-cards to Pearl all the time. I kept her picture near me. With someone else, I was willing to go into the smoking section of a restaurant, just to be with and near her. I thought of how, even though my co-worker smokes, I wanted to kiss her. I’d endure the foul taste to have that closeness with her. So why not my husband? Why not do those same things with him? Why not act as if I am madly in love with him even though I may not be. I could share my thoughts, feelings and life with him. I could give to him to please him, whether he tries to reciprocate or not. Can I do this?

I’ve started to send him cards and e-mails during the day from work. And I’m thinking about my trip to Tennessee this summer, to my niece’s wedding. I haven’t really wanted him to come, though I’ve tried not to convey that. He’s worried about the cost (he always worries about money). I’ve been very generous to others, paying for meals and such, but I’ve always had the mind-set that when we’re together, my husband should be the one who pays for everything. That probably comes from the years with him when I had no money or access to money. What if I invited him to come with me to the wedding and I offered to pay all the costs of the trip? That’s a scary prospect—not the spending of money but paying his way. My fear is that he’ll take advantage of me but I’ve renounced the spirits of fear and unbelief. Surely I can trust God to protect me as I step out in faith to do what seems so risky. And so I plan to do this.