180º (Marriage Miracle)
I was so tired on Monday, I went to bed at 6:00. Hoping to delay when I went to sleep, I chose to finish the novel I had started the day before, The Scarlet Thread by Francine Rivers. I’ve read a couple of her more recent novels and been powerfully impacted by them. This is an older one and didn’t seem to be as packed with spiritual insight but it was certainly a good read.
Sierra marries Alex, her high school sweetheart, against the objections of both their parents. It’s a cross-cultural, cross-racial marriage. Both sets of parents eventually approve and become fast friends with each other and with their child’s spouse once grandchildren are in the picture. All seems idyllic until, ten years later, Alex accepts his dream job in the big city without consulting Sierra. He does the same about selling the house and buying a new one in LA. She feels trampled upon, uncared about. Doesn’t she matter? Why isn’t he including her in the decision-making? Despite his quadrupled income, Sierra is not happy. She resents him telling her to get rid of her treasured furniture in place of what the top interior designer he insists on hiring suggests. She resents his boss’s high-society wife and refuses to spend time with her. She resents Alex’s long hours, his cancelled family engagements, his increasing absence, his seeming disinterest in the kids and his criticisms of her choices, her ways of doing things, her. When she learns her mother is dying and returns home to spend her last weeks with her, Alex phones only twice. She needed him and he wasn’t there for her. On returning from the funeral, she learns he’s been having an affair and is moving out.
Her increasing anger, rage and bitterness are certainly justified. I could identify with how she felt. Nothing changes when he leaves his mistress and attempts to mend the bridges between them. Sierra’s anger grows. She doesn’t trust him. She wants nothing to do with him. Everything about him is irritating. “Jerk”, “Rat”, and worse are the ways she addresses him in her thoughts.
Yes. I didn’t realize it until that moment but I have. I’ve spent the past 31 years blaming my husband for all our problems. Even as he has begun to change, I’ve not trusted him. I’ve been afraid to “go through it again.” I’ve been angry, resentful, bitter. I have despised him and all the while I thought I was doing all I could to make our marriage work while he did precious little. He’s not mean like he used to be but the distance between us has grown. The barriers and walls are enormous. If only he really cared about me! If only he wanted to listen! If only he wasn’t so self-centred, boastful, deceptive or ill-mannered!
I didn’t realize it until I read that short passage but I’ve been incredibly angry with my husband. I’ve been angry, bitter, and unforgiving. It’s not my husband who has put the barriers between us, it’s been my anger, my self-centredness, my self-protection, my unforgiveness.
My eldest son had taken me out for lunch earlier that day for Mother’s Day. Our conversation eventually turned to my husband and our marriage. “He’s a good man, Mom.” I have never believed this. But now I thought about it. Maybe he is. I left him for 2 ½ years early in our marriage. During that time, my promiscuity resulted in a pregnancy. My husband had never given up hope during that time that I would return to him and when God made it clear to me that I should return to my husband, he welcomed me and the baby with open and enthusiastic arms. There has never, in 25 years, been anything in his behaviour or attitude to indicate that this was never anything but his beloved eldest son—a miracle when you consider the value of eldest sons in the culture from which he comes for, like Sierra, my marriage is cross-cultural, cross-racial.
This is what good men do though even most good men would have trouble doing what my husband has done. I’ve always chosen to interpret his goodness as twisted self-serving. I’ve been wrong. He’s not a snake with some redeeming qualities but a good man with short-comings. I’ve wanted him to accept me as I am, faults and all, not trying to change me but have I been willing to do the same for him? No. “It is better to live in the corner of a roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman.” No wonder there are such walls between us. I have given him no reason to want to be close.
As Sierra worked through her own thoughts and feelings on this matter, she admitted to God, “I don’t know much about the inner workings of his heart. It was always my own that mattered.” I’ve been the same. I’ve been incredibly self-centred and selfish.
God whispered to me about my housekeeping. I’ve been passive-aggressive in my avoidance of it. I didn’t realize that either. And my continual lack of energy, could it be that I have exerted so much energy on my anger that it’s completely drained me of the energy I need to do the things I need to do?
How can someone be so unaware of the anger they have? I am choosing to put my anger aside and to love this man who has so faithfully loved me despite my behaviour and attitude. Yes, he has faults. So do I. Frankly, the faults that come out of his insecurities and which have so rankled me, are not nearly so serious (if one could rank sins) as my repeated unfaithfulness to him. He IS a good man.
God has changed me. I think he’s just handed me the miracle I’ve been waiting for, though it looks nothing like what I thought I needed. I know I need to go to my husband and tell him how wrong I’ve been. I want to ask his forgiveness. Please pray that I will not lose courage in this.
Sierra marries Alex, her high school sweetheart, against the objections of both their parents. It’s a cross-cultural, cross-racial marriage. Both sets of parents eventually approve and become fast friends with each other and with their child’s spouse once grandchildren are in the picture. All seems idyllic until, ten years later, Alex accepts his dream job in the big city without consulting Sierra. He does the same about selling the house and buying a new one in LA. She feels trampled upon, uncared about. Doesn’t she matter? Why isn’t he including her in the decision-making? Despite his quadrupled income, Sierra is not happy. She resents him telling her to get rid of her treasured furniture in place of what the top interior designer he insists on hiring suggests. She resents his boss’s high-society wife and refuses to spend time with her. She resents Alex’s long hours, his cancelled family engagements, his increasing absence, his seeming disinterest in the kids and his criticisms of her choices, her ways of doing things, her. When she learns her mother is dying and returns home to spend her last weeks with her, Alex phones only twice. She needed him and he wasn’t there for her. On returning from the funeral, she learns he’s been having an affair and is moving out.
Her increasing anger, rage and bitterness are certainly justified. I could identify with how she felt. Nothing changes when he leaves his mistress and attempts to mend the bridges between them. Sierra’s anger grows. She doesn’t trust him. She wants nothing to do with him. Everything about him is irritating. “Jerk”, “Rat”, and worse are the ways she addresses him in her thoughts.
I stopped short as I read this. “I can’t forgive him and go through it again!” Is this what I’ve been saying about MY husband? Have I been taking into account the wrongs I’ve suffered?The last thing Sierra wanted to hear Sunday morning was a sermon on forgiveness. ...
'I can’t, Lord. I can’t forgive him and go through it again!’
But the words from the pulpit kept hammering the wall around her heart. ‘If you love Me, you will keep My commandments . . . love does not take into account a wrong suffered….”
Yes. I didn’t realize it until that moment but I have. I’ve spent the past 31 years blaming my husband for all our problems. Even as he has begun to change, I’ve not trusted him. I’ve been afraid to “go through it again.” I’ve been angry, resentful, bitter. I have despised him and all the while I thought I was doing all I could to make our marriage work while he did precious little. He’s not mean like he used to be but the distance between us has grown. The barriers and walls are enormous. If only he really cared about me! If only he wanted to listen! If only he wasn’t so self-centred, boastful, deceptive or ill-mannered!
I didn’t realize it until I read that short passage but I’ve been incredibly angry with my husband. I’ve been angry, bitter, and unforgiving. It’s not my husband who has put the barriers between us, it’s been my anger, my self-centredness, my self-protection, my unforgiveness.
My eldest son had taken me out for lunch earlier that day for Mother’s Day. Our conversation eventually turned to my husband and our marriage. “He’s a good man, Mom.” I have never believed this. But now I thought about it. Maybe he is. I left him for 2 ½ years early in our marriage. During that time, my promiscuity resulted in a pregnancy. My husband had never given up hope during that time that I would return to him and when God made it clear to me that I should return to my husband, he welcomed me and the baby with open and enthusiastic arms. There has never, in 25 years, been anything in his behaviour or attitude to indicate that this was never anything but his beloved eldest son—a miracle when you consider the value of eldest sons in the culture from which he comes for, like Sierra, my marriage is cross-cultural, cross-racial.
This is what good men do though even most good men would have trouble doing what my husband has done. I’ve always chosen to interpret his goodness as twisted self-serving. I’ve been wrong. He’s not a snake with some redeeming qualities but a good man with short-comings. I’ve wanted him to accept me as I am, faults and all, not trying to change me but have I been willing to do the same for him? No. “It is better to live in the corner of a roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman.” No wonder there are such walls between us. I have given him no reason to want to be close.
As Sierra worked through her own thoughts and feelings on this matter, she admitted to God, “I don’t know much about the inner workings of his heart. It was always my own that mattered.” I’ve been the same. I’ve been incredibly self-centred and selfish.
God whispered to me about my housekeeping. I’ve been passive-aggressive in my avoidance of it. I didn’t realize that either. And my continual lack of energy, could it be that I have exerted so much energy on my anger that it’s completely drained me of the energy I need to do the things I need to do?
How can someone be so unaware of the anger they have? I am choosing to put my anger aside and to love this man who has so faithfully loved me despite my behaviour and attitude. Yes, he has faults. So do I. Frankly, the faults that come out of his insecurities and which have so rankled me, are not nearly so serious (if one could rank sins) as my repeated unfaithfulness to him. He IS a good man.
God has changed me. I think he’s just handed me the miracle I’ve been waiting for, though it looks nothing like what I thought I needed. I know I need to go to my husband and tell him how wrong I’ve been. I want to ask his forgiveness. Please pray that I will not lose courage in this.
posted by Magdaleine at 10:44 PM
3 Comments:
Maggie,
The song of Michael W. Smith's called Healing Rain came to mind as I read your blog entry today. I honestly believe that God has been at work on your behalf and probably was overjoyed at the moment that your eyes were opened to see what He had planned all along. It just makes me smile to think of what He must have been thinking.
"Ok . .yes ..keep reading, Maggie . . oh . .now ..read that part again . . . think about that now . . .how does that apply to you? . .yes . .you're on the right track . .yes . . just like the lady in the story . . . you? yes . .I'll keep your heart if you'll trust in this area again . . .there you go! . . . you can see with new eyes in this moment!"
As a newlywed nearing my one year anniversary, I appreciate your writing. I take to heart your words and thank you for yet another reminder to be watchful for these seeds in my marriage.
On a sidenote, and not to be nit-picky, truly not, but so that the word can continue to have its unique meaning, the word "disinterested" does not mean "uninterested." Rather, it means "impartial." A disinterested judge is a good thing. An uninterested judge is a bad thing.
Jessica, I'm so glad that you find my words helpful. I pray that your marriage will be a continual joy to you! Thanks for posting! Thank you too for your correction on the word "disinterested". I've learned something.
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