Rejection

The topic for the second night at camp was Rejection.

There was so much good teaching. I sat at the back by the right wall. When we were invited for prayer, I was the second one up. I got prayed for first [something I hoped for every night so I could be ministered to and yet get to bed early enough that I could have a good night’s sleep before getting up in the morning]. I know I have huge rejection issues. I was thinking during the sermon of how my husband used to always call me fat and lazy even when I wasn't. That’s huge rejection. Just before ministry time, I thought of how he demanded submission when we got married. That too was rejection—I wasn’t equal to him. It was about then that I felt Jesus behind me, reach his arms in front of me and grasp me to him. And, instead of nuzzling my neck with his nose as he had done at a conference last month, he kissed my neck with his lips. What an awesome experience. I am loved! It was when Danielle prayed about my loneliness (she didn’t ask any questions about what my issues were with rejection), that I started sobbing. After she finished praying, the angel sentinel standing beside the front window immediately to the right of the platform winked at me. That’s all. He winked, as if he and I were sharing a special secret. Is that wink a promise of healing?

I realized something as I sat down. The question we’ve been encouraged to ask both yesterday and today is, “What are the lies you’re believing?” I tried to figure out what the lie is in “You’re fat. You’re lazy. You have to submit to me.” And what it is is, “You’re not good enough.” That’s the lie that I have lived my whole life with. I have believed I’m not good enough. But I AM! Jesus says so. God’s Word says so. I am good enough because I’m created by God. You made me, God! You value me regardless of my size, regardless whether the things I do are valued by my husband or others or not. I am good enough to do that which you have called me to—-whether it is cooking for two weeks at this camp (what a daunting proposition!), writing a book, speaking publicly or encouraging those who are struggling with the same issues I have. I am good enough to be my husband’s wife and my boys’ mother. I am good enough to be part of any social group. I am good enough that I can give my opinions, join others in their conversations, initiate social events or simple conversation. I am good enough to bless others. I am good enough to be loved by You and if others don’t love or like me, that’s THEIR problem, not mine.

Thank you for showing me this, God! Thank you so much for exposing the lie and showing me the truth.

I spent much of the night thinking about rejection and the insight God had given me. I took the time in the morning before going downstairs to start breakfast to write:

I am good enough that I don’t need to hide in the backwater of unsuccess.
I am good enough that I can take all that God has for me instead of choosing sinful substitutes.

All day I thought about this, so that in the afternoon I wrote,

Can I believe that my husband is good enough? Can I believe he’s good enough to receive respect from me? Do I tell him that he's not good enough? I need to think about this.