A New Way of Thinking

Most of you know that I struggle with same-sex attraction. In particular, there has been someone I have loved and then walked away from because the relationship went where it shouldn’t. I’ve never stopped missing Pearl, however, though it’s been over two years since we’ve had any contact. Lately I’ve been missing her more than usual and so I went online to see if I could find her anywhere—not to make contact but just to see if I could find anything that would give me an indication of how she's doing. Yeah, I know. It’s probably not a smart thing to do but it’s been a way for me to “keep in touch” without actually making contact with her.

I found what I was looking for but it got me thinking. I began to do a google search that would help me understand her religious beliefs. I knew we had differences but I was never sure how sharp they were. I had wanted to believe that we were on the same page spiritually. We certainly used the same language but now I’m beginning to wonder if we were saying the same things. My search found several things that were rather alarming to me. These are not differences in interpretation of Scripture but radical divergences from Christianity as it has been known across denominational lines throughout the ages.

A verse came to mind as I was doing this research. 2 Corinthians 6:14, “Do not be mismatched with unbelievers. ... what fellowship is there between light and darkness?” (NLT) What fellowship indeed?

I’ve longed for close friendship with her. I have hoped that one day this would be possible—not sex or romance but simple friendship. But how can this be? It would be downright dangerous because, by associating with her other than as a casual acquaintance, I’d have to water down my own beliefs in order to accommodate hers. I would eventually shift camps. If her theology is so divergent from mine, if she is walking in such darkness and, in fact, is a leader in the community that promotes that darkness, then how in the world could I ever have a close friendship with her without compromising all that I value in God?

All this was before I went to bed Saturday night at about 5:30 a.m. I got up four hours later for church, not sure I wanted to go, I was so tired, but I’m committed to going to church and this will be my last Sunday till February since I’ll be away for awhile, so I went. It was one of the best services we’ve had since the new leadership took over. Was that because of where I was? I don’t know. I do know that the songs spoke to me. I wish I remembered what they were but I was too busy soaking in God’s messages to me to pause and write them down. And then our pastor spoke on Truth—what is it? How do we find it?

John 14:6, Jesus said, “I am the Way, the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.” Truth is not relative. It’s not situational. Truth defines what reality is and it transcends culture. Truth equals relationship, the pastor stated. Relationships are based on truth and without truth, everything is a façade. A relationship built on lies can’t last. (I’m using italics to identify the pastor’s words—rephrased by me.) Am I willing and even hungering to have a relationship that is based upon lies about my Saviour and His people? NO! But that’s what I’ve wanted. That’s what I’ve been doing! I sat there and felt dirty, repulsed by the desires I’ve held on to.

Truth equals release. The Truth will set you free. Truth releases us from self. If you define your life by Jesus, you will find the real you. It is Jesus who defines us. And when Truth is revealed, we are released to love. In order to find out what is true about me, I must find out the truth about God. This is why a search for God and a personal (and corporate) focus on God (all three persons) is vital and must come before anything else in our lives.

It’s an interesting thing. I have made this my focus for the past four years. Sometimes it has seemed like some things in me would never change, such as my desire for this one I have loved so much, and yet I have kept pushing towards God, seeking His face, seeking Him, seeking to know and experience the love He has for me. Because I had had such little sleep last night, I went back to bed when I returned from church. When I woke up, I was so overwhelmed by God’s love and for the first time ever, that love made my desire for the other seem filthy. As one friend said, when I shared this with her, “Pure love really does outdo any other kind.”

Now understand, I’m still processing what’s happened/happening, but it’s been very powerful for me. And the strangest thing is that I’ve actually been excited by all this. Isn’t that so bizarre?

Something occurred to me at some point in all this. One thing I've tried to do is to be honest with myself and with others about where I am. When I've not been where I should be, I've freely admitted it. Some would suggest that a person should just ... hmmm, I don't know how to explain this. Well, for instance, I haven't pretended that I've lost all interest for Pearl when I haven't. I didn't squash those feelings into some corner and pretend they didn't exist, for example. I have owned where I am and how I feel, even when I've known that where I was and how I felt wasn't where I should be. And I think that honesty with myself, God and others has been a good thing (even though I'm sure it's made some very uncomfortable at times) because it means I've been able to deal honestly with these things. Because I didn't pretend to have no interest in her, I went to check out how she's doing. Because I did that, I started researching her church and what I found has brought me to the place where (I think this is what's happening) my attitude towards her has GENUINELY changed. And that's what I need (and what we all need)--genuine change, not something “put on” to appear changed.

Anyway, I’m really excited by all that’s happened in the last 30 hours. God is so good!