My Bible an Idol?
It's hard sometimes, to not think about Pearl (not her real name), the woman I walked away from over two years ago, though I loved her dearly. I have continued to miss her and despite my commitment to God to make no effort to reconnect with her, I have longed for the day when He would somehow make it happen. I've run endless loops of scenarios in my mind of what that would look like. Oftentimes, I catch myself and stop what I'm doing because it serves no good purpose but somehow I got caught off guard last weekend.
While we were still together, Pearl gave me a Bible that I have grown to treasure. In fact, it's the Bible I read every day. I happened to mention this to a friend of mine as I was describing how my thoughts had deteriorated from something that seemed quite innocent in the beginning--something triggered by my ownership of this Bible. She wrote to me,
That was hard to take and left me reeling.
She admitted to having something she shouldn't have and so, the next morning, when she wrote to say that our discussion had prompted her to realize she needed to find a way to dispose of it, I joked that maybe we could trade. But as I wrote that, I couldn’t hold back the tears. I didn’t want to give up my Bible.
Another friend came online as I was contemplating how to respond to the first friend's admonition. I needed to know--was she right? It took the discussion with this second friend to realize that although I walked away from a relationship with Pearl, I have been clinging for dear life to the hope that one day she and I would be friends again and I've been clinging to every scrap of anything that connects me to that hope.
My second friend didn’t want to tell me what to do but it became very evident that she was agreeing with my first friend. I needed to get rid of the Bible. For the entire hour we chatted, I was sobbing. How in the world could I do this? Though not as intense, it was like walking away from Pearl all over again. I’m crying now as I write this. Sometimes God’s ways are too hard, too painful, too demanding.
I was finally able to come into agreement with this, so now what? What do I do with it? Do I mail it to the first friend as I had joked about? Friend Two, shockingly, suggested I throw it in the garbage but I couldn’t do that. And then it came to me! I would be leading worship at small group that evening. The songs I had chosen were focused on repentance, forgiveness and heart-change. What better introduction to such a theme than using my Bible as an illustration of why even something very good and holy can become an idol and a stumbling block to God's will and then giving my Bible away to whoever wanted to take it! At this thought, I actually got rather excited.
There were six of us that night--a good size for us. All knew my story except for one whom I had never met before. I was a bit nervous about that but took a deep breath and began. When it came to asking who wanted my Bible, the visitor shot up his hand. Somehow what I shared spoke to him and reawakened in him a need to get back to reading the Bible. It was as if me giving away my most treasured Bible was an answer to some unspoken prayer for him. I’m crying while I write this but to my surprise, I didn’t cry at all while I spoke or when I handed over my Bible. And as he leafed through it and saw all my hand-written notes (I’m a very messy reader), he seemed to value it even more. It was an awesome evening of worship and prayer.
I came home pretty pumped and excited about all that had happened but I also realized I had more work to do. I burned my favourite picture of Pearl and the other things from her that I kept in my Bible (a bookmark and a note she wrote regarding the Bible). I’ve deleted her from my palmtop address book and from my prayer list. God can take care of her even if I don’t pray and if God decides to reunite us some day, He won’t need my address book to do it. I don’t want anything to hinder my walk with God.
I don’t really feel any freer. In fact, I feel totally exhausted. I don’t know what, if anything, God will do with my obedience but, even though it felt like I was walking away from her all over again, I’m glad I obeyed.
While we were still together, Pearl gave me a Bible that I have grown to treasure. In fact, it's the Bible I read every day. I happened to mention this to a friend of mine as I was describing how my thoughts had deteriorated from something that seemed quite innocent in the beginning--something triggered by my ownership of this Bible. She wrote to me,
I really believe that any thoughts of Pearl will keep you from a closer relationship with God. I was surprised to read that the Bible she gave you is your favorite. Why is that? I know that may seem a hard question. ... I hope this won't hurt you, my friend but please, please, just consider what keeping that Bible and it being your favorite might be keeping you connected to. Can you read it without thinking of Pearl? Could you say that it will never bring thoughts of her to you?
As you admitted, you slid back into wrong thoughts of her. I can't help but think that until you totally disconnect yourself from her in all ways God won't be able to fully work in your life as He desires. ... I pray that God will speak to your heart and spirit and that you will know, without a doubt, His guidance in these things.
That was hard to take and left me reeling.
She admitted to having something she shouldn't have and so, the next morning, when she wrote to say that our discussion had prompted her to realize she needed to find a way to dispose of it, I joked that maybe we could trade. But as I wrote that, I couldn’t hold back the tears. I didn’t want to give up my Bible.
Another friend came online as I was contemplating how to respond to the first friend's admonition. I needed to know--was she right? It took the discussion with this second friend to realize that although I walked away from a relationship with Pearl, I have been clinging for dear life to the hope that one day she and I would be friends again and I've been clinging to every scrap of anything that connects me to that hope.
My second friend didn’t want to tell me what to do but it became very evident that she was agreeing with my first friend. I needed to get rid of the Bible. For the entire hour we chatted, I was sobbing. How in the world could I do this? Though not as intense, it was like walking away from Pearl all over again. I’m crying now as I write this. Sometimes God’s ways are too hard, too painful, too demanding.
I was finally able to come into agreement with this, so now what? What do I do with it? Do I mail it to the first friend as I had joked about? Friend Two, shockingly, suggested I throw it in the garbage but I couldn’t do that. And then it came to me! I would be leading worship at small group that evening. The songs I had chosen were focused on repentance, forgiveness and heart-change. What better introduction to such a theme than using my Bible as an illustration of why even something very good and holy can become an idol and a stumbling block to God's will and then giving my Bible away to whoever wanted to take it! At this thought, I actually got rather excited.
There were six of us that night--a good size for us. All knew my story except for one whom I had never met before. I was a bit nervous about that but took a deep breath and began. When it came to asking who wanted my Bible, the visitor shot up his hand. Somehow what I shared spoke to him and reawakened in him a need to get back to reading the Bible. It was as if me giving away my most treasured Bible was an answer to some unspoken prayer for him. I’m crying while I write this but to my surprise, I didn’t cry at all while I spoke or when I handed over my Bible. And as he leafed through it and saw all my hand-written notes (I’m a very messy reader), he seemed to value it even more. It was an awesome evening of worship and prayer.
I came home pretty pumped and excited about all that had happened but I also realized I had more work to do. I burned my favourite picture of Pearl and the other things from her that I kept in my Bible (a bookmark and a note she wrote regarding the Bible). I’ve deleted her from my palmtop address book and from my prayer list. God can take care of her even if I don’t pray and if God decides to reunite us some day, He won’t need my address book to do it. I don’t want anything to hinder my walk with God.
I don’t really feel any freer. In fact, I feel totally exhausted. I don’t know what, if anything, God will do with my obedience but, even though it felt like I was walking away from her all over again, I’m glad I obeyed.
posted by Magdaleine at 9:54 PM
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