Edge of the Precipice
Things have been up and down for me lately. I had a major insight Monday morning. I've been wrestling with a lot of things, trying to find answers. I went into a tailspin on Friday as I realized (and put words to the realization) that my mother betrayed me when I was a teen. But I've been listening to Brian Doerksen's "Live in Europe" CD. I've been absorbing a couple songs on there that have so blessed me but the insight or realization came when I remembered the words of another song from that CD. "I was an orphan. You rescued me." (Actually the words are, "You adopted me," but I heard and remembered them wrong.) And I realized that I was indeed an orphan. My father had killed himself and my mom had, in essence, abandoned and betrayed me. But God has been with me. He didn't rescue me right away. But he didn't rescue Joseph right away either. What Joseph's brothers meant for evil, God meant for good. What Satan meant for evil for me, God meant for good.
Wednesday I had stitches removed from my mouth. I was in a lot of pain but I had to run errands. In the midst of my errands I lost my bankcard and had to retrace my steps to find it. In addition to the pain, the depression was heavy and my ssa issues were pounding at me. It was not a good day. But I decided to accept an invitation to paint pottery and going out and being with people (and being creative and praised for it) helped.
I seem to be living on the edge of a great precipice, constantly in danger of slipping and falling down into a mental breakdown and yet I don't. I can't seem to get away from the edge but God keeps me from completely losing it (though sometimes I feel like I'm so close). Little things help, like going to paint on Wednesday. And my husband has been amazingly good to me the last week. He hasn't said or done a single negative thing since Saturday. He even complemented me on the make up he saw me wearing one day and suggested I wear it more often. He's also helped me out with some financial muddles when he COULD have said (truthfully) that I brought them on myself.
So, on the one hand, I'm falling apart but on the other hand, God is holding me together.
Wednesday I had stitches removed from my mouth. I was in a lot of pain but I had to run errands. In the midst of my errands I lost my bankcard and had to retrace my steps to find it. In addition to the pain, the depression was heavy and my ssa issues were pounding at me. It was not a good day. But I decided to accept an invitation to paint pottery and going out and being with people (and being creative and praised for it) helped.
I seem to be living on the edge of a great precipice, constantly in danger of slipping and falling down into a mental breakdown and yet I don't. I can't seem to get away from the edge but God keeps me from completely losing it (though sometimes I feel like I'm so close). Little things help, like going to paint on Wednesday. And my husband has been amazingly good to me the last week. He hasn't said or done a single negative thing since Saturday. He even complemented me on the make up he saw me wearing one day and suggested I wear it more often. He's also helped me out with some financial muddles when he COULD have said (truthfully) that I brought them on myself.
So, on the one hand, I'm falling apart but on the other hand, God is holding me together.
posted by Magdaleine at 4:16 PM
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