Am I Okay?
“No, I’m sorry. You’re not allowed to give your thoughts on this.”
As I heard those words, tears started to fill my eyes, threatening to spill over.
“What’s happening, Maggie? What’s going on? What are you thinking?”
What WAS I thinking? All I knew was that, once again, I was hurting. Once again I was a “bad girl”. I hadn’t done things right. Once again I was rejected.
“What would you LIKE to hear?”
In the smallest of whispers, I answered, “You’re okay.”
As I’ve thought about this, I realize that this is at the bottom of my deepest pain. It is written on every shard of my brokenness. It is the essence of all that stinks in my life. I want to be accepted, wanted, valued. I want to be okay.
I don’t feel like I am. I wasn’t okay as a little kid. I was too squirmy as a preschooler for my grandfather, misbehaved too much for my dad, irritated my mom too much, wasn’t cool enough for my classmates, asked my teachers too many questions. As an adult, I haven’t been okay for my husband. I’m too fat, too lazy, too unimportant. I haven’t been okay for the friends who have cast me aside. Those who treat me like I am okay will eventually change their minds. Is my measure of value determined by parents, husband, friends and other assorted people? Can they be trusted? Am I too dependent on what people think, do, behave towards me?
“God is all you need.”
Oh? If that’s so, why do I feel the need for more? God said, “It’s not good for man to be alone,” and created someone to take away that aloneness. We were created for each other. Why? If God is all we need, why was Adam lacking something when he had God right there with him in tangible form?
Who defines if I’m okay? Me? Most days of late I hate myself. Others? The news is dismal there as well. God?
“Can a mother forget her nursing child? Can she feel no love for a child she has borne? But even if that were possible, I would not forget you!” Isaiah 49:15
“How precious are your thoughts about me, O God! They are innumerable! I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up in the morning, you are still with me!” Psalm 139: 17, 18
“For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16
Is what God says enough? He says He loves me, He thinks (good things) about me all the time and He won’t ever forget me. Can I believe what He says?
I’ve not just read what He says; I’ve also experienced His love. He has crouched down before me and enveloped the child me in His arms. He has picked me up and carried me amongst my taunting schoolmates. He has placed His cross between me and those who abused me. He has held me on His lap, pressing my face close to His chest. He has rocked me as an infant in His arms. He has come up behind me, put his arms around me and nuzzled my neck like a persistent Lover. He has shown me the glory and protection of His angels.
God’s given me more than words. He’s shown His love, His care, His steadfast refusal to walk away from me even when I treat Him like dirt. I haven’t yet met a person like Him—not someone so tenacious in pursuing me regardless of what I’m like. If any one, single person treated me like that, I’d think I was A-okay. Do I value what people say and do more than God?
Lord, forgive me for putting You in second place or worse. Forgive me for not believing what You say about me; for not believing how much You value me. Forgive me, please, for devaluing Your creation (me) and hating it. Forgive me for giving more weight and value to people than to You. Please help me to see me the way You do. Keep my eyes and ears blind to the lies and open to the truth. You are the Way, the Truth and the Life—not husband, friends, parents or anyone else. Help me to keep my eyes on You. Help me to know how much You value me.
As I heard those words, tears started to fill my eyes, threatening to spill over.
“What’s happening, Maggie? What’s going on? What are you thinking?”
What WAS I thinking? All I knew was that, once again, I was hurting. Once again I was a “bad girl”. I hadn’t done things right. Once again I was rejected.
“What would you LIKE to hear?”
In the smallest of whispers, I answered, “You’re okay.”
As I’ve thought about this, I realize that this is at the bottom of my deepest pain. It is written on every shard of my brokenness. It is the essence of all that stinks in my life. I want to be accepted, wanted, valued. I want to be okay.
I don’t feel like I am. I wasn’t okay as a little kid. I was too squirmy as a preschooler for my grandfather, misbehaved too much for my dad, irritated my mom too much, wasn’t cool enough for my classmates, asked my teachers too many questions. As an adult, I haven’t been okay for my husband. I’m too fat, too lazy, too unimportant. I haven’t been okay for the friends who have cast me aside. Those who treat me like I am okay will eventually change their minds. Is my measure of value determined by parents, husband, friends and other assorted people? Can they be trusted? Am I too dependent on what people think, do, behave towards me?
“God is all you need.”
Oh? If that’s so, why do I feel the need for more? God said, “It’s not good for man to be alone,” and created someone to take away that aloneness. We were created for each other. Why? If God is all we need, why was Adam lacking something when he had God right there with him in tangible form?
Who defines if I’m okay? Me? Most days of late I hate myself. Others? The news is dismal there as well. God?
“Can a mother forget her nursing child? Can she feel no love for a child she has borne? But even if that were possible, I would not forget you!” Isaiah 49:15
“How precious are your thoughts about me, O God! They are innumerable! I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up in the morning, you are still with me!” Psalm 139: 17, 18
“For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16
Is what God says enough? He says He loves me, He thinks (good things) about me all the time and He won’t ever forget me. Can I believe what He says?
I’ve not just read what He says; I’ve also experienced His love. He has crouched down before me and enveloped the child me in His arms. He has picked me up and carried me amongst my taunting schoolmates. He has placed His cross between me and those who abused me. He has held me on His lap, pressing my face close to His chest. He has rocked me as an infant in His arms. He has come up behind me, put his arms around me and nuzzled my neck like a persistent Lover. He has shown me the glory and protection of His angels.
God’s given me more than words. He’s shown His love, His care, His steadfast refusal to walk away from me even when I treat Him like dirt. I haven’t yet met a person like Him—not someone so tenacious in pursuing me regardless of what I’m like. If any one, single person treated me like that, I’d think I was A-okay. Do I value what people say and do more than God?
Lord, forgive me for putting You in second place or worse. Forgive me for not believing what You say about me; for not believing how much You value me. Forgive me, please, for devaluing Your creation (me) and hating it. Forgive me for giving more weight and value to people than to You. Please help me to see me the way You do. Keep my eyes and ears blind to the lies and open to the truth. You are the Way, the Truth and the Life—not husband, friends, parents or anyone else. Help me to keep my eyes on You. Help me to know how much You value me.
posted by Magdaleine at 2:25 AM
3 Comments:
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Maggie . . . A friend and I were talking last night about the "is God enough" question. Sure, we have been taught that when ya get to the bottom line, that God should be enough! He is certainly enough for removing my sin as far as the east is from the west. He is certainly enough to forgive me and cleanse me from all unrighteousness.
But . . . there is this question in my head about then why did He have holy men of old write down those pesky "one another" verses? Yeah . . . I know you can't take your whole feelings thing down that road of needing the validation of people (well . .at least too far, I guess). It makes me wonder though, if God really wanted us to know that we have to live in community (a group that cares for us through the good and not so good times). Isn't that where "iron sharpens iron" events happen?
I can hear somebody ask, "What about the persecuted believers who were banned to solitary confinement?"
For sure, God is still their strength and salvation. Did He really mean for humankind to live without the communion of the saints? I don't think so for the most part. There are those times of special measures of grace, I'm sure. I do believe we were created to be valued - by one another and of course, by God.
Hi Maggie.
It has been my personal experience that when I seek ways to serve others who are in need, my focus is off myself and my feelings and on them and their needs.
It is a wonderful way to get out of 'self' and allow Christ to live in me and work through me. It is a wonderful healing and growing experience.
The more my focus is on the needs of others and how I can help them meet their needs, the less time I spend dwelling on self.
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