Weary of holding it in
I started this blog and website because I wanted to share what God has been doing in my life. I wanted to share the journey I'm on--a journey that is far from over. I wanted to show you the good and the bad, the victories and the failures so that you may see that God meets with real people with real problems and issues and that, despite how we mess up, he never gives up on us.
I've been silent for the past several weeks because, once again, I messed up. My mess resulted in me needing to remove a number of blog entries and in me being so discouraged I wasn't sure if I could write again. I questioned the whole reason for being here and my ability to fulfill that purpose. Can I do it? Do I know how?
And yet, if I don't speak out, if I don't testify to what I see and experience God doing, if I don't show the reality of what it's like to be completely devoted to God and yet pulled by that which dishonours God and through it all continue to pursue this God from whose love we cannot be separated, if I don't show that Paul's reality of doing what he didn't want to do and not doing what he wanted to do continues in God's people today, if I keep silent in the midst of God's work, then what? Would the very stones cry out their testimony of God's goodness?
Tonight at church someone read Jeremiah 20:9. In The Message, Jeremiah complains in preceding verses that God pushed him into the job he had of speaking out and he had obeyed. Now he's a public joke and all he gets in return are insults and contempt. While my message has not been the same as Jeremiah's--neither in content nor import--I can identify in a small way with how he felt. "But if I say, 'I will not mention him or speak any more in his name,' his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot." (NIV, emphasis mine)
And so my silence has ended. I will continue to show God's mercy, grace, forgiveness, patience and love in my life. I won't always do it perfectly. There will be those who see how I could do it differently. I know I have much to learn. But God doesn't limit himself to using only perfect vessels. He uses the imperfect. I know he wants to use me.
I've been silent for the past several weeks because, once again, I messed up. My mess resulted in me needing to remove a number of blog entries and in me being so discouraged I wasn't sure if I could write again. I questioned the whole reason for being here and my ability to fulfill that purpose. Can I do it? Do I know how?
And yet, if I don't speak out, if I don't testify to what I see and experience God doing, if I don't show the reality of what it's like to be completely devoted to God and yet pulled by that which dishonours God and through it all continue to pursue this God from whose love we cannot be separated, if I don't show that Paul's reality of doing what he didn't want to do and not doing what he wanted to do continues in God's people today, if I keep silent in the midst of God's work, then what? Would the very stones cry out their testimony of God's goodness?
Tonight at church someone read Jeremiah 20:9. In The Message, Jeremiah complains in preceding verses that God pushed him into the job he had of speaking out and he had obeyed. Now he's a public joke and all he gets in return are insults and contempt. While my message has not been the same as Jeremiah's--neither in content nor import--I can identify in a small way with how he felt. "But if I say, 'I will not mention him or speak any more in his name,' his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot." (NIV, emphasis mine)
And so my silence has ended. I will continue to show God's mercy, grace, forgiveness, patience and love in my life. I won't always do it perfectly. There will be those who see how I could do it differently. I know I have much to learn. But God doesn't limit himself to using only perfect vessels. He uses the imperfect. I know he wants to use me.
posted by Magdaleine at 12:29 AM
4 Comments:
HURRAY ... I can't think of a better word to use. You have much to offer so many people and your honesty is a blessing to God.
Thank you, Francine.
Have you read the book "Abba's Child" by Brennan Manning? In the very first chapter he talks about "Coming Out of Hiding," and accepting our brokenness. It is really a great book and I highly recommend it. I re-read it on a yearly basis - I often need the reminder that God loves me just as I am - not "in spite of" the way I am.
Karl, that's one book I've had on my wish list for a while. Apparently I've even bought it (it's checked off my task list on my palmtop) but I couldn't find it on my book shelf when I looked. I'll have to look again. (And also look in the various piles I have laying around.)
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