Set Back
I met with the coordinator this past Saturday to discuss my role on the Leadership Team this fall. I had been promised by her husband, the director of the ministry that offers the program here in Winnipeg, that I would be on the Leadership Team even if my healing isn't complete. I had hoped to be a small group assistant but was prepared to be on the prayer team if it was deemed I'm not ready for more responsibility. I won't be doing either. I won't be on the Leadership Team at all. Instead, I've been asked to be a participant in the program again.
In fairness to the coordinator, I believe she's doing this for my benefit but it really, really hurts. She knows very little about me so she based her decision on what I told her about myself and my journey since finishing the course the first time two years ago. I don't know why I told her the things I did--I was very open and honest about my struggles, my failings, my weaknesses and vulnerablities--but part of me says that had I emphasized a different aspect of what my life has been since she was my small group leader, she might have made a different decision.
And yet I know God is in charge. In fact, I was just re-reading what I wrote here, "An Introduction to Week One of Camp" and realize that this "set back" could very well be the answer to that prayer. So why does it hurt so much? My world seems turned upside down. I thought I was moving into a new phase and yet it seems I'm stuck in the healing mode and can't get out. Am I really so messed up? What is wrong with me? Will I ever be healed? Will I ever be in a place of wholeness? Is there even any point of trying? The coordinator has written to me, inviting me to share any further thoughts I have about being a participant again but what is there to say? I thought I had dealt with rejection at Rock Lake. "I'm not good enough." I identified that as a lie but what if it's not? The truth is that I'm NOT good enough to be a leader with this program. If I was, I wouldn't be asked to be a participant again. Will there ever be a point when I am? What AM I good enough for? Anything? Why can't I just snap out of this? Why does it hurt so much? Why does it even matter?
In fairness to the coordinator, I believe she's doing this for my benefit but it really, really hurts. She knows very little about me so she based her decision on what I told her about myself and my journey since finishing the course the first time two years ago. I don't know why I told her the things I did--I was very open and honest about my struggles, my failings, my weaknesses and vulnerablities--but part of me says that had I emphasized a different aspect of what my life has been since she was my small group leader, she might have made a different decision.
And yet I know God is in charge. In fact, I was just re-reading what I wrote here, "An Introduction to Week One of Camp" and realize that this "set back" could very well be the answer to that prayer. So why does it hurt so much? My world seems turned upside down. I thought I was moving into a new phase and yet it seems I'm stuck in the healing mode and can't get out. Am I really so messed up? What is wrong with me? Will I ever be healed? Will I ever be in a place of wholeness? Is there even any point of trying? The coordinator has written to me, inviting me to share any further thoughts I have about being a participant again but what is there to say? I thought I had dealt with rejection at Rock Lake. "I'm not good enough." I identified that as a lie but what if it's not? The truth is that I'm NOT good enough to be a leader with this program. If I was, I wouldn't be asked to be a participant again. Will there ever be a point when I am? What AM I good enough for? Anything? Why can't I just snap out of this? Why does it hurt so much? Why does it even matter?
posted by Magdaleine at 2:59 AM
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