Bitter Root Judgments

I’ve never really understood bitter root judgments but learned that they exist when we made judgments against someone in the past and that judgment has become a bitter root in our lives. It causes all sorts of devastation.

I knew the moment the topic was introduced that this is something I have against my husband and which has formed the foundation and root of much ill in my life—-physical illness as well as bad circumstances. We did corporate prayer at the end of the talk and then those who felt this was dealt with in their lives were dismissed and the rest of us invited to come to the front for prayer.

I’ve been one of the first ones up every time, partly because I always know I need prayer but also because I’m conscious of time and my need to get to bed as early as possible. This time I could feel my bladder needing relief so I prayed that I would be prayed for first. It didn’t happen. I agreed with God that I would stay until my bladder insisted I go. If that happened, I wouldn’t return for prayer. Maybe I didn’t need any, I thought. The other thing was that I really wanted Danielle to be the one to pray for me because she has prayed for me the previous 2 nights and she’s beginning to understand my history. She also understands my problems because she’s been in similar places with HER husband. This makes it easier. I don’t have to do so much explaining. Well, the way it was looking, I was going to be last and it wouldn’t be Danielle ministering to me. My feet were burning but my agreement wasn’t about my feet, it was about my bladder and that was holding. Danielle finally became free again and went to the person beside me. Bless that woman’s heart, she said that I was there first, pray for me first, and so I got Danielle and didn’t have to wait any longer.

I told Danielle about my judgments and bitterness against my husband. I explained that I have been through the process of forgiving him and meaning it—-I don’t WANT to continue the bitterness and judgment but I don’t know how to stop. She began to pray. While she was praying, it occurred to me. My mom had a lot of bitterness and judgment against my dad. I learned it from her. I didn’t know any other way to respond to a husband’s sin against me. And she didn’t either because her mother did the same thing. Wow! But I don’t need to follow my mother’s example. I’m discovering all sorts of sins of my mother against me. This is another and I don’t need to copy her. I am my own person. I can choose to be forgiving and loving. I can choose to love my husband despite all the evil he has perpetrated against me.

After she prayed, she began to talk and tell me about her relationship with her husband. He was abusive to her and she held much bitterness against him. God confronted her about this and asked her if she would yield to Him. She didn’t want to. All her flesh rebelled against doing so but she wanted to be obedient to God and so she agreed. God began to do a heart transplant in her while her husband was having a physical heart transplant. The previous month he had been telling her, “I don’t know how to let you into my heart.” Ten days after her discussion with God, her husband told her, “You are in my heart.” I started to cry. I want to let my husband into MY heart. I want to be in his.

I told her what God had shown me about my mother's example while she was praying and she agreed that this was very significant and that it was indeed the root of my bitterness and judgment. She also pointed out that bitterness and judgment can happen because of others’ sin against us. Did she mean my mother’s sin of how she referred to Dad? Did she mean my husband’s sin against me?

Danielle prayed that God would change my heart and heal me. She was so compassionate. She also led me several times through prayers of various sorts.

So, I realize that my husband loves me. God has told me this and God does not lie. I have been copying my mother’s sinful behaviour in how I respond to my husband’s sinfulness against me and that has been wrong of me. I have to stop copying her and instead do what God has called me to do—-forgive unconditionally regardless of how my husband treats me and love him because he is worthy of love, not because of his behaviour but because he is created in God’s image.

God, please plant this so deeply in my heart that these truths will govern all my behaviour towards dh. Help me please!

There wasn’t much the rest of the week that really hit home for me except for one thing. I realized that I’ve been like the elder brother of the prodigal son to my husband. I have not rejoiced in his return to God. I have questioned his genuineness. I’ve seen his failings and his sin instead of seeing why and loving him and rejoicing over his coming back to God.