Daring to Hope
Yesterday was a day of tears and fear. The tears were from my hurt and disappointment about news I had received on the weekend, and the fear was towards my husband's return from camp. He stayed on an extra week after I left. In part, I wasn't sure what kind of husband I'd be getting back. Would he be the same old man whose lack of interest and considerateness leaves me in seemingly perpetual pain or would he have changed somehow because of the time we spend with the speakers at camp? I was already in great pain--I didn't want more to be added. Further, I didn't want to explain my tears to him and I knew I couldn't hide them. They came unbidden. My reluctance to let him know about my disappointment was based on a fear that he wouldn't understand and rather, misjudge me. I couldn't face any more rejection that day. Besides, I was very tired so, though it was already early evening, I took a nap. Perhaps the sleep would deliver me from my excessively emotional state.
He came home shortly after I went to bed but because I slept a full five hours, I didn't see him until 11:00 at night. By then I had the courage needed to welcome him home with a cheerful face. We conversed for nearly 2 hours. It looks like he really wants to change but I have to admit that it will take me time to accept this. I'm so afraid of being hurt yet again, of having my hopes dashed. And yet I'm seeing and hearing things I've never seen or heard before. For instance, he apologized for the 30+ years of my unhappiness. He did that on his own, without prompting. It's the sort of thing I've wanted to hear and it meant a lot to me.
When he told me he wants to change and I asked what that would look like, he gave me an example of his thought processes when he came home. He saw my laundry bag full of laundry lying on the kitchen floor where I dropped it when I came home from camp a week ago. His first thoughts were angry, "What's she been doing all week?" But then he remembered that I wasn't feeling well all week and so he was able to draw up some understanding and compassion. That's completely new and it was good to hear him express that.
Despite the good stuff that happened, my fear was (and is) enormous. It's hard to let it go. Why is fear so paralyzing? Why am I so fearful? Am I afraid of having a good marriage? As I thought about this before his return home, I realized that nearly everything to do with him evokes some sort of pain and hurt. In my mind and experience, my husband = pain. That's the way it's been since the very beginning. It's been 35 years. That's a lot of pain to let go of. It's a lot of undoing of thought patters. It's a huge history and, on the cusp of what could be a new life with him, it's terrifying.
Today my husband has been really nice to me. He was actually tender and caring to me when I woke up, spending time with me in a way I don't think he ever has before. This is really quite amazing. He was real with me instead of distant or surface or acting out something he didn't feel. Will this last? Probably not. I know it's a journey and just as I have had many falls on my journey to healing and wholeness, so will he. I must allow him that freedom and not get discouraged.
I believe we're entering into a new phase of our marriage. For the first time I'm willing to believe that he really wants to change the way he relates to me. I am hopeful.
He came home shortly after I went to bed but because I slept a full five hours, I didn't see him until 11:00 at night. By then I had the courage needed to welcome him home with a cheerful face. We conversed for nearly 2 hours. It looks like he really wants to change but I have to admit that it will take me time to accept this. I'm so afraid of being hurt yet again, of having my hopes dashed. And yet I'm seeing and hearing things I've never seen or heard before. For instance, he apologized for the 30+ years of my unhappiness. He did that on his own, without prompting. It's the sort of thing I've wanted to hear and it meant a lot to me.
When he told me he wants to change and I asked what that would look like, he gave me an example of his thought processes when he came home. He saw my laundry bag full of laundry lying on the kitchen floor where I dropped it when I came home from camp a week ago. His first thoughts were angry, "What's she been doing all week?" But then he remembered that I wasn't feeling well all week and so he was able to draw up some understanding and compassion. That's completely new and it was good to hear him express that.
Despite the good stuff that happened, my fear was (and is) enormous. It's hard to let it go. Why is fear so paralyzing? Why am I so fearful? Am I afraid of having a good marriage? As I thought about this before his return home, I realized that nearly everything to do with him evokes some sort of pain and hurt. In my mind and experience, my husband = pain. That's the way it's been since the very beginning. It's been 35 years. That's a lot of pain to let go of. It's a lot of undoing of thought patters. It's a huge history and, on the cusp of what could be a new life with him, it's terrifying.
Today my husband has been really nice to me. He was actually tender and caring to me when I woke up, spending time with me in a way I don't think he ever has before. This is really quite amazing. He was real with me instead of distant or surface or acting out something he didn't feel. Will this last? Probably not. I know it's a journey and just as I have had many falls on my journey to healing and wholeness, so will he. I must allow him that freedom and not get discouraged.
I believe we're entering into a new phase of our marriage. For the first time I'm willing to believe that he really wants to change the way he relates to me. I am hopeful.
posted by Magdaleine at 4:23 PM
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