Censorship Removed

What I posted in my previous blog entry is an edited version of what I first wrote. I sent the original to my censor and was told he wanted to talk to me personally about it. I had already made an appointment to see him today about getting some counselling and so now both would be discussed at that meeting. I felt like I was off to the lion's den to discuss with the hungry lion what should be served for dinner.

That feeling was not helped by the e-mail I received just before leaving in which a very respected friend and spiritual mentor urged me to "get away from those ... people as fast and as far as I could." She's not the first person to give that advice. Is she right? What does God want? I prayed fervently that God would make it clear to me one way or another whether to follow her advice or not. As I drove, I had the sense that what happened at this meeting would be pivotal.

First we discussed counselling--why I need counselling, how often it would take place, etc. I was antsy at this. What was the point in making these decisions if, after we discussed what I wrote, I felt led to end all association with him and his organization? Discussing what I wrote wasn't easy either. I was angry and resentful and couldn't seem to get past that. He was trying to explain that my perception of his censorship wasn't accurate. He wasn't silencing me. I wasn't muzzled. Then why has it felt that way?

In frustration I made a suggestion. I've agreed to not talk about the organization, its teachings and what happens in class but, outside of that, if the rest of the restrictions are merely meant to teach me about boundaries and not a muzzling of my voice, then could I maybe write what I want when I want, trying to keep in mind the things he's teaching me about what's acceptable and what's not, and submit what I've written AFTER the fact for his feedback. I was sure he'd refuse but to my amazement, he agreed. He laughed and said he didn't want to control me. He didn't want me or anyone else under his thumb. Whew!

This was the sign I had asked for; the indication from God that I should continue with this man and his organization. I do want to learn how to communicate in ethical ways that don't cross the boundaries of others. I don't want to be offensive in the way I speak or write. I want my writing to be respectful, even of my husband. I am willing to learn how to do this. What I'm not willing to do is be put in a box with a rag stuffed in my mouth and the lid closed down on me. I believe that now that I've been "allowed" out of the box (was it only my perceptions that had me there?) I can once again communicate the way I have in the past with one difference--I'm learning how to do it better.