Temptation Succumbed
Continued from previous entry.
The following weekend I was out of town again, this time at a Christian conference. Something troubling happened at the Saturday night session that had me questioning the theology and, in fact, the entire spiritual legitimacy of the speaker and her team. Because of this, I had trouble entering into worship and found myself being critical of all that happened from then on. My mood was altered and I couldn’t shake the dis-ease I felt.
Somehow, and I didn't know how until later in the week, that opened a door that I was unable (or maybe unwilling) to close. The temptation I had successfully fought all the week before came again. Unlike the previous Saturday, none of my thoughts through the day had in any way invited it—at least in any way obvious to me at the time. But Satan fashioned a lie that said that since my thoughts hadn’t been where they shouldn’t be, I could successfully give in this time because I wouldn’t be tempted to let my thoughts go where they shouldn’t while I gave in. How’s that for twisted logic? I believed the lie and gave in to the temptation.
Of course it didn’t relieve the way I was feeling because of the troubling matter at the conference and I continued to be very discombobulated. I knew there was a connection between what had happened in the service and my giving in to temptation, but I couldn't figure it out. I remained that way all Sunday.
Monday morning I woke to an erotic dream. I never have erotic dreams. Never. This was the first. It was obvious the masturbation had opened a huge door. I was very distressed and didn't know what to do or how to get out of where I was. To compound the problem, I had really enjoyed the dream and couldn't get it off my mind. I wanted to go back there. What in the world was going on, I wondered? It was certainly something out of the ordinary and it bothered me. What had I opened myself to? I tried to resist the subsequent temptations but I seemed unable. I continued to be troubled and concerned.
If I had any doubts about being in a spiritual battle, they were all removed by the next morning. I had another dream. This one wasn't sexual at all but rather focused on Buddhist monks celebrating yoga. Interestingly, all night, before the dream, during and even after, I had been praying, "Lord, protect me!" It wasn't a very conscious thing I was doing. It was just there, all night. I don't think I got much sleep. In the dream I knew I was where I shouldn’t be and sought a way to escape. When I awoke I laughed at Satan. He had been successful with the previous night’s dream but this one didn’t come close to tempting me to anything. Nevertheless, it woke me up to the fact that I was facing something way bigger than I had realized.
To be continued.
The following weekend I was out of town again, this time at a Christian conference. Something troubling happened at the Saturday night session that had me questioning the theology and, in fact, the entire spiritual legitimacy of the speaker and her team. Because of this, I had trouble entering into worship and found myself being critical of all that happened from then on. My mood was altered and I couldn’t shake the dis-ease I felt.
Somehow, and I didn't know how until later in the week, that opened a door that I was unable (or maybe unwilling) to close. The temptation I had successfully fought all the week before came again. Unlike the previous Saturday, none of my thoughts through the day had in any way invited it—at least in any way obvious to me at the time. But Satan fashioned a lie that said that since my thoughts hadn’t been where they shouldn’t be, I could successfully give in this time because I wouldn’t be tempted to let my thoughts go where they shouldn’t while I gave in. How’s that for twisted logic? I believed the lie and gave in to the temptation.
Of course it didn’t relieve the way I was feeling because of the troubling matter at the conference and I continued to be very discombobulated. I knew there was a connection between what had happened in the service and my giving in to temptation, but I couldn't figure it out. I remained that way all Sunday.
Monday morning I woke to an erotic dream. I never have erotic dreams. Never. This was the first. It was obvious the masturbation had opened a huge door. I was very distressed and didn't know what to do or how to get out of where I was. To compound the problem, I had really enjoyed the dream and couldn't get it off my mind. I wanted to go back there. What in the world was going on, I wondered? It was certainly something out of the ordinary and it bothered me. What had I opened myself to? I tried to resist the subsequent temptations but I seemed unable. I continued to be troubled and concerned.
If I had any doubts about being in a spiritual battle, they were all removed by the next morning. I had another dream. This one wasn't sexual at all but rather focused on Buddhist monks celebrating yoga. Interestingly, all night, before the dream, during and even after, I had been praying, "Lord, protect me!" It wasn't a very conscious thing I was doing. It was just there, all night. I don't think I got much sleep. In the dream I knew I was where I shouldn’t be and sought a way to escape. When I awoke I laughed at Satan. He had been successful with the previous night’s dream but this one didn’t come close to tempting me to anything. Nevertheless, it woke me up to the fact that I was facing something way bigger than I had realized.
To be continued.
posted by Magdaleine at 11:00 PM
2 Comments:
Though we disagree on whether it's good or bad to masturbate (I do it frequently and have been enjoying it without guilt all my life), I admire your honesty in admitting you did it and actually enjoyed an erotic dream. I hope you will eventually come to the conclusion that both are healthy and compatible with your faith. Of course you have the right to decide just the opposite too...like I said in your previous post, it's your body and your life!
Mike
mikesturges@hotmail.com
LOL, Mike, it's not likely that I'll come to that conclusion but I do appreciate the respect with which you've addressed the subject. Thank you.
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