I choose Life!
Friends, husband, and others are NOT where I should be finding my importance and value. It is in You, God, that I have value and nowhere else. So how do I change? How do I change myself so that how You view me matters to me so much more than how anyone else views me. I can’t, God. I need You to change me. I know You have been but I’m still not there. It hurts to be disliked, hated, ignored, shoved aside. I want to matter to the people who matter to me but it seems like I don’t.
And so then all the blackness comes threatening to engulf me. The temptation to wallow in self-destructive thinking and behaviour is huge--end my life, drive a knife through my chest—-except I’ve renounced that way of thinking so I shove it aside. My eating 400 grams of Lindt chocolate yesterday, however, came out of the same self-destructiveness. If I can’t overtly harm myself, I’ll do it subtly? Since I can’t use a sharp knife, use a dull one?
Self-destruction and the promise of relief it brings is a lie from Satan. It won’t end the pain. It merely enlarges it. Self-destruction feeds on itself. Give it an inch and it will take everything I have and when I have nothing left it will continue to consume. I can’t give in—-not even with the smothering smoothness of fine Swiss chocolate. I must continue to reach out for life—-for Life.
How? How do I grasp life when everything in me feels like its dying? When all I feel like doing is curling in a ball and giving up? I’m reaching out to You, God. I’ve read my Bible. I also read notes (with lots of Bible passages) from the “Forgiveness/Temptation” section of my palmtop. I went grocery shopping when I felt like hiding in bed. I parked a long ways from the entrance so I could walk and when I came home I brought in the groceries myself rather than asking the boys to do it. Each of these were a way of reaching out for life and living but it hasn’t been enough. I’m overwhelmed by my emotional pain. I need to just accept the pain, don’t I, God? I have to be willing to feel it and not run from it. I guess in that sense I HAVE succeeded in reaching out for life. The trick is to continue to do so and to continue to say no to self-destruction. Please help me to do this.
And so then all the blackness comes threatening to engulf me. The temptation to wallow in self-destructive thinking and behaviour is huge--end my life, drive a knife through my chest—-except I’ve renounced that way of thinking so I shove it aside. My eating 400 grams of Lindt chocolate yesterday, however, came out of the same self-destructiveness. If I can’t overtly harm myself, I’ll do it subtly? Since I can’t use a sharp knife, use a dull one?
Self-destruction and the promise of relief it brings is a lie from Satan. It won’t end the pain. It merely enlarges it. Self-destruction feeds on itself. Give it an inch and it will take everything I have and when I have nothing left it will continue to consume. I can’t give in—-not even with the smothering smoothness of fine Swiss chocolate. I must continue to reach out for life—-for Life.
How? How do I grasp life when everything in me feels like its dying? When all I feel like doing is curling in a ball and giving up? I’m reaching out to You, God. I’ve read my Bible. I also read notes (with lots of Bible passages) from the “Forgiveness/Temptation” section of my palmtop. I went grocery shopping when I felt like hiding in bed. I parked a long ways from the entrance so I could walk and when I came home I brought in the groceries myself rather than asking the boys to do it. Each of these were a way of reaching out for life and living but it hasn’t been enough. I’m overwhelmed by my emotional pain. I need to just accept the pain, don’t I, God? I have to be willing to feel it and not run from it. I guess in that sense I HAVE succeeded in reaching out for life. The trick is to continue to do so and to continue to say no to self-destruction. Please help me to do this.
posted by Magdaleine at 10:43 AM
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