Conference on Homosexuality
Focus on the Family's Love Won Out conference came to town last weekend. As one who has chosen God over where her same-sex attraction might otherwise lead her and as one who wants to help others who have that same desire for God, I thought it behooved me to attend.
It began at the ungodly hour of 8 a.m. and, since it was downtown where parking is tight, I arrived early, catching the last spot in a parking lot labelled, "Free for Special Event". I was told that these conferences always draw protestors but I guess the hour was too early for them for none were in sight. There WERE uniformed police present inside the church and security was tight. When I paid (it was expensive!) I had a red wrist band placed on me. Before I walked through the doors to the sanctuary, my backpack was searched. Women’s purses were also searched—thoroughly! When the conference began, the police stayed at the back, vigilant for any problems.
And then there WAS a problem, part way through the first speaker’s lecture. He stopped and asked if he should wait before going on. That’s when I looked back. A man had had a heart attack. They were calling for someone who knows CPR. People were jumping over pews to help him. The policemen’s radios were squawking. An ambulance was called. All around the sanctuary (there were 400 registrants plus at least a hundred volunteers and staff) people prayed. “Oh Lord, don’t let him die!” was my prayer. Someone from the front announced that he was talking to those helping him. “Thank you, Jesus!” Later that morning we were informed that he was doing okay at the hospital and it was pointed out that the top person who trains ambulance staff in the city happened to be in the crowd that morning and so was the first responder before the ambulance arrived. Isn’t that just like God? Still later, in the afternoon, we were told the man's wife had returned to the conference and her husband sent a message saying that if he was going to have a heart attack, the best place to have it was in the midst of a congregation of praying people. I’m tearing in remembrance. God is so good.
Dr. Joseph Nicolosi, founder of NARTH, is a psychologist, part of the American Psychologists Association, who does not accept the rhetoric that homosexuality is untreatable. He is not someone who came out of homosexuality (like all the other speakers present) but his practice focuses on helping men who want to. His talk on "The Condition of Male Homosexuality" was good and informative. It got me thinking about my own boys, the home in which they were raised and how much have I set my boys up (or not) to be pre-disposed toward homosexuality.
He showed a triangle with mother, father and son at the points. What fosters homosexuality in a boy is when there’s no close emotional connection between the parents and poor communication. The connection between mother and son is very close. Between father and son it’s guarded, ill at ease, distrustful, antagonistic. What is needed for healthy boys is bonding between father and son that has a physical component—the wrestling, the throwing up in the air and catching when they’re babies. Boys are hungry for physical bonding and Nicolosi quoted someone as saying, “Fathers, if you don’t hug your sons, some other man will.” Makes sense to me. Mothers need to surrender their sons early and fathers need to embrace their sons into their lives. Boys have to be allowed to be “rough and tumble” when they’re little. It helps develop the masculine in them. Same-sex behaviour is an attempt to “repair” childhood emotional hurts. It’s an attempt to fix what’s broken. There was much more that he said but in the interest of saving space, I refrain from sharing all the good stuff.
Melissa Fryrear, Gender Issues Analyst for Focus on the Family, spoke next on The Condition of Female Homosexuality. Both she and Nicolosi acknowledged that lesbianism is far more complicated than male homosexuality. She borrowed heavily from Jeanette Howard's book, Out of Egypt, listing four variations of lesbianism: 1) same sex experimentation, 2) emotional enmeshment, 3) “Generation Y” where young women think it’s fashionable to be bisexual, 4) classic lesbianism. For me, I think, the second, emotional enmeshment, has been the primary way I’ve lived this out. I never really embraced a lesbian identity or lesbian culture as the fourth would imply (though there have been times when I've wanted to). Emotional enmeshment is when one relies on another woman to gain an identity and a sense of well-being. This is a very difficult thing to leave. As the speaker pointed out, there are many, many women in the church today who live this way (enmeshed in their friendships) and who don’t realize that there is a problem.
Another topic Melissa addressed, borrowing from Howard, was the mother-daughter relationship. This really hit me because I have not yet completely addressed the stuff that happened growing up. My mother left my dad shortly after my eighth birthday and died a year later. As my mom returned to school to get, first her high school and then a teaching certificate and a degree, I was left in charge of my three younger sisters and the management of the home. In many ways I was my mom's partner instead of her daughter. It’s amazing to think that growing up in an all-female home, I had a same-sex love deficit. I wasn’t close to my sisters at all, however. I'm still not. The need for same-sex love becomes sexualized, an unconscious attempt to restore what was missing in the relationship with one’s mom.
According to the speaker, it is fathers who call forth their child’s gender identity, whether that child is male or female. Daughters need protection, attention, adoration and support from their fathers. Without these, a girl will develop an insecurity in her sense of worth and possibly be inhibited from effectively relating to men. Was my father’s presence in my life till I was eight, enough? I don’t know. I don’t remember much and what I do remember is clouded with the things my mother said or implied. How much was true and how much was self-protection on her part? I don’t know. I probably never will.
The talk on lesbianism was very hard for me and so I took few notes. A lot of painful memories and issues were stirred by this lecture and I sat there, tears streaming down my face and sobbing inside. I wanted to go some place and let all that was inside pour out but where? There wasn’t anywhere and so I sat there, keeping it all as stuffed inside as I could manage.
After a couple sessions of everyone together, we were given the opportunity to divide into smaller sessions where we could choose which we wanted to attend. The one I went to was in a building connected to by a third-story bridge/walkway. I walked up 2 flights of stairs and then back down 2 more flights of stairs. That was hard work! I decided that in returning to the main building, I would do so by going outside rather than doing the stairs again. On opening the door my spirit was assaulted by the presence of several dozen angry, noisy, demanding gay protestors. They were across the street, thankfully, but their loud, angry chants really felt like blows against me. I had known they’d be there. I had even thought ahead of time of taking them some coffee. The pastor of the church where we were meeting told us at the beginning of the conference that he had brought refreshments for them in the trunk of his car. But there was nothing about these people that would make it easy for anyone to go to them in a gesture of love and friendship. They were angry and proud of it, their chat relentless, “Hey, hey! Ho, ho! Homophobia’s got to go! Hey, hey! Ho, ho! Homophobia’s got to go!”
It was lunchtime and as I waited for a friend I’d agreed to meet, I watched what played out outside. The pastor indeed went over and spoke with them. So did Tye Gamey, the local director for New Direction for Life Ministries, an Exodus affiliate. In fact, I heard later that when Tye went over, the group handed him the megaphone so he could talk to the whole group and be heard by them all. I was pretty impressed by that. TV cameras were also present and Tye was interviewed by at least one. I didn’t see the news reports. I hope they were kind. When my friend and I stepped outside to find a restaurant, I was again assaulted by the protestors (in my spirit, not by them doing anything directed at me personally). I wanted to be friendly but I just couldn’t. Instead, I ignored them.
The first session of the afternoon blew away for me all the love and gentleness of the morning sessions. The topic was “Why is What They’re Teaching so Dangerous?” led by Dick Carpenter and by the time he was done I felt I had gone through the wringer. Again, my spirit felt assaulted. His message felt like one of hate against the pro-gay people. If you looked at his words, they were anything but hate, but that’s how it felt. Perhaps it was his rapid-fire delivery. In part, it may have been that he seemed to use the same tactics to discredit them as he accused them in using against us. I was very offended and at one point wanted to simply walk out and not come back. It was THIS kind of teaching that the protestors outside had good reason to protest, in my opinion.
I was so grateful that it was after his talk that Melissa Fryrear gave her testimony. What an awesome story! It helped bring me back to why I was there and, at that point, I changed my plans to ensure that I went a mini-session that Melissa was giving. I needed one voice that I knew was full of love and gentleness.
The rest of the sessions were good. It was just that one that was awful, in my opinion. I really liked Joe Dallas winding up the conference with the last session. He's so good, so full of love and compassion. I could sit and listen to him for hours (and have done so at a previous conference). The whole day left me with many clashing emotions, however—the identification with what Melissa said about lesbianism, the protestors outside, the assaultive nature of the one session and one friend's love, support and encouragement that touched me deeply—I couldn’t go straight home. I didn’t know WHAT to do with all I was feeling; all I knew was that I wanted lots of something rich, sweet and creamy. I went to a favourite restaurant and ordered TWO desserts. And when that wasn’t enough I ordered something from the main menu. All I was doing was drowning my emotions so I didn’t have to deal with them. Unfortunately, I drowned them so well I haven't been able to bring them back to examine the stuff I think God wanted me to look at. I pray I can.
It began at the ungodly hour of 8 a.m. and, since it was downtown where parking is tight, I arrived early, catching the last spot in a parking lot labelled, "Free for Special Event". I was told that these conferences always draw protestors but I guess the hour was too early for them for none were in sight. There WERE uniformed police present inside the church and security was tight. When I paid (it was expensive!) I had a red wrist band placed on me. Before I walked through the doors to the sanctuary, my backpack was searched. Women’s purses were also searched—thoroughly! When the conference began, the police stayed at the back, vigilant for any problems.
And then there WAS a problem, part way through the first speaker’s lecture. He stopped and asked if he should wait before going on. That’s when I looked back. A man had had a heart attack. They were calling for someone who knows CPR. People were jumping over pews to help him. The policemen’s radios were squawking. An ambulance was called. All around the sanctuary (there were 400 registrants plus at least a hundred volunteers and staff) people prayed. “Oh Lord, don’t let him die!” was my prayer. Someone from the front announced that he was talking to those helping him. “Thank you, Jesus!” Later that morning we were informed that he was doing okay at the hospital and it was pointed out that the top person who trains ambulance staff in the city happened to be in the crowd that morning and so was the first responder before the ambulance arrived. Isn’t that just like God? Still later, in the afternoon, we were told the man's wife had returned to the conference and her husband sent a message saying that if he was going to have a heart attack, the best place to have it was in the midst of a congregation of praying people. I’m tearing in remembrance. God is so good.
Dr. Joseph Nicolosi, founder of NARTH, is a psychologist, part of the American Psychologists Association, who does not accept the rhetoric that homosexuality is untreatable. He is not someone who came out of homosexuality (like all the other speakers present) but his practice focuses on helping men who want to. His talk on "The Condition of Male Homosexuality" was good and informative. It got me thinking about my own boys, the home in which they were raised and how much have I set my boys up (or not) to be pre-disposed toward homosexuality.
He showed a triangle with mother, father and son at the points. What fosters homosexuality in a boy is when there’s no close emotional connection between the parents and poor communication. The connection between mother and son is very close. Between father and son it’s guarded, ill at ease, distrustful, antagonistic. What is needed for healthy boys is bonding between father and son that has a physical component—the wrestling, the throwing up in the air and catching when they’re babies. Boys are hungry for physical bonding and Nicolosi quoted someone as saying, “Fathers, if you don’t hug your sons, some other man will.” Makes sense to me. Mothers need to surrender their sons early and fathers need to embrace their sons into their lives. Boys have to be allowed to be “rough and tumble” when they’re little. It helps develop the masculine in them. Same-sex behaviour is an attempt to “repair” childhood emotional hurts. It’s an attempt to fix what’s broken. There was much more that he said but in the interest of saving space, I refrain from sharing all the good stuff.
Melissa Fryrear, Gender Issues Analyst for Focus on the Family, spoke next on The Condition of Female Homosexuality. Both she and Nicolosi acknowledged that lesbianism is far more complicated than male homosexuality. She borrowed heavily from Jeanette Howard's book, Out of Egypt, listing four variations of lesbianism: 1) same sex experimentation, 2) emotional enmeshment, 3) “Generation Y” where young women think it’s fashionable to be bisexual, 4) classic lesbianism. For me, I think, the second, emotional enmeshment, has been the primary way I’ve lived this out. I never really embraced a lesbian identity or lesbian culture as the fourth would imply (though there have been times when I've wanted to). Emotional enmeshment is when one relies on another woman to gain an identity and a sense of well-being. This is a very difficult thing to leave. As the speaker pointed out, there are many, many women in the church today who live this way (enmeshed in their friendships) and who don’t realize that there is a problem.
Another topic Melissa addressed, borrowing from Howard, was the mother-daughter relationship. This really hit me because I have not yet completely addressed the stuff that happened growing up. My mother left my dad shortly after my eighth birthday and died a year later. As my mom returned to school to get, first her high school and then a teaching certificate and a degree, I was left in charge of my three younger sisters and the management of the home. In many ways I was my mom's partner instead of her daughter. It’s amazing to think that growing up in an all-female home, I had a same-sex love deficit. I wasn’t close to my sisters at all, however. I'm still not. The need for same-sex love becomes sexualized, an unconscious attempt to restore what was missing in the relationship with one’s mom.
According to the speaker, it is fathers who call forth their child’s gender identity, whether that child is male or female. Daughters need protection, attention, adoration and support from their fathers. Without these, a girl will develop an insecurity in her sense of worth and possibly be inhibited from effectively relating to men. Was my father’s presence in my life till I was eight, enough? I don’t know. I don’t remember much and what I do remember is clouded with the things my mother said or implied. How much was true and how much was self-protection on her part? I don’t know. I probably never will.
The talk on lesbianism was very hard for me and so I took few notes. A lot of painful memories and issues were stirred by this lecture and I sat there, tears streaming down my face and sobbing inside. I wanted to go some place and let all that was inside pour out but where? There wasn’t anywhere and so I sat there, keeping it all as stuffed inside as I could manage.
After a couple sessions of everyone together, we were given the opportunity to divide into smaller sessions where we could choose which we wanted to attend. The one I went to was in a building connected to by a third-story bridge/walkway. I walked up 2 flights of stairs and then back down 2 more flights of stairs. That was hard work! I decided that in returning to the main building, I would do so by going outside rather than doing the stairs again. On opening the door my spirit was assaulted by the presence of several dozen angry, noisy, demanding gay protestors. They were across the street, thankfully, but their loud, angry chants really felt like blows against me. I had known they’d be there. I had even thought ahead of time of taking them some coffee. The pastor of the church where we were meeting told us at the beginning of the conference that he had brought refreshments for them in the trunk of his car. But there was nothing about these people that would make it easy for anyone to go to them in a gesture of love and friendship. They were angry and proud of it, their chat relentless, “Hey, hey! Ho, ho! Homophobia’s got to go! Hey, hey! Ho, ho! Homophobia’s got to go!”
It was lunchtime and as I waited for a friend I’d agreed to meet, I watched what played out outside. The pastor indeed went over and spoke with them. So did Tye Gamey, the local director for New Direction for Life Ministries, an Exodus affiliate. In fact, I heard later that when Tye went over, the group handed him the megaphone so he could talk to the whole group and be heard by them all. I was pretty impressed by that. TV cameras were also present and Tye was interviewed by at least one. I didn’t see the news reports. I hope they were kind. When my friend and I stepped outside to find a restaurant, I was again assaulted by the protestors (in my spirit, not by them doing anything directed at me personally). I wanted to be friendly but I just couldn’t. Instead, I ignored them.
The first session of the afternoon blew away for me all the love and gentleness of the morning sessions. The topic was “Why is What They’re Teaching so Dangerous?” led by Dick Carpenter and by the time he was done I felt I had gone through the wringer. Again, my spirit felt assaulted. His message felt like one of hate against the pro-gay people. If you looked at his words, they were anything but hate, but that’s how it felt. Perhaps it was his rapid-fire delivery. In part, it may have been that he seemed to use the same tactics to discredit them as he accused them in using against us. I was very offended and at one point wanted to simply walk out and not come back. It was THIS kind of teaching that the protestors outside had good reason to protest, in my opinion.
I was so grateful that it was after his talk that Melissa Fryrear gave her testimony. What an awesome story! It helped bring me back to why I was there and, at that point, I changed my plans to ensure that I went a mini-session that Melissa was giving. I needed one voice that I knew was full of love and gentleness.
The rest of the sessions were good. It was just that one that was awful, in my opinion. I really liked Joe Dallas winding up the conference with the last session. He's so good, so full of love and compassion. I could sit and listen to him for hours (and have done so at a previous conference). The whole day left me with many clashing emotions, however—the identification with what Melissa said about lesbianism, the protestors outside, the assaultive nature of the one session and one friend's love, support and encouragement that touched me deeply—I couldn’t go straight home. I didn’t know WHAT to do with all I was feeling; all I knew was that I wanted lots of something rich, sweet and creamy. I went to a favourite restaurant and ordered TWO desserts. And when that wasn’t enough I ordered something from the main menu. All I was doing was drowning my emotions so I didn’t have to deal with them. Unfortunately, I drowned them so well I haven't been able to bring them back to examine the stuff I think God wanted me to look at. I pray I can.
posted by Magdaleine at 7:13 PM
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