Something’s Changed

Continued from previous entry.

I didn’t notice the change right away. Life seemed to go on as usual, though the temptations and the battle had ended. But I kept thinking about the flow of the Holy Spirit. Somehow I’d never thought of things in those terms. No way do I want to block His flow in me. I want to stay filled and overflowing.

That same week I had started an online course called The Lord’s Table at www.settingcaptivesfree.com. It’s a free, 60-day, one-lesson-per-day course with a lesson each day. The premise is that we often overeat because we’re hungry for something other than food. I know I often eat when I’m in emotional pain or need comfort of some kind—in fact the same conditions that provoke me to masturbate are what also prompt me to overeat. Jesus said, “I am the bread of life,” and invites us to “eat” Him. The course focuses on the importance of filling up on Jesus instead of food, providing a great companion for me to the recognition that I want to keep the Holy Spirit flowing to and through me. It has helped to remind me of the importance of filling up with God which, of course, facilitates the flow of the Holy Spirit.

I’ve enjoyed things like simply lying in bed on a morning I don’t have to get up early, and soaking in God’s presence. Interestingly, this morning I was editing an essay for one of my sons. The topic was a comparison and contrast of Coleridge and Blake’s views of Christianity as seen through their poetry—an odd topic for someone who seems to have no interest in Christ.

He wrote, "Innocence plays a large role in Christianity in that the innocent, unknowing child is spotless of sin, and therefore instantly gains entrance to the kingdom of heaven; this is seen also in Blake's “A Cradle Song”, wherein the Christ Child's image is likened to the image of all newborns and shows that experience is what hardens the human soul."

That got me to thinking. If it is experience that hardens the human soul, and my experience and all I've read and been taught would substantiate this, then would not experience be what would soften it? The experience that hardens is the experience we have with sinful man and its wounding power. The experience that heals is the experience we have with holy God and His healing power.

God has given me some wonderful experiences with Him and it seems that this latest experience with Him—the repenting, renouncing, breaking and blessing—has caused a softening and healing in me I didn’t expect.

It began to show before I was aware of its existence—as people began to remark on the difference in me. I noticed it last Sunday when I went out to eat twice with friends and both times found myself eating only half of what I would normally eat and being completely satisfied. I noticed it when my husband got mad at me and refused to talk for several days and I didn’t fall apart. I’ve noticed it in the peace, confidence and joy that has sneaked into my life. And friends continue to remark on the change.

God is good.

Repenting, Renouncing, Breaking and Blessing

Continued from previous entry.

God, I repent. I repent of masturbating and thinking it was okay; for giving into the lies that had me believing it was okay. I repent of thinking that since I’d masturbated once I could keep on doing it. I repent of liking my erotic dream and wanting it to continue—of not trying to get out of it. I repent of using food to comfort myself in my discombobulation. I repent for shutting you and your Spirit out in my righteous indignation over what happened at the conference. God, I don’t want to ever masturbate again. It opens too many doors to the enemy. I don’t want to shut You out, regardless of what happens. I want to believe only the truth and recognize the lies for what they are. I don’t want to enjoy sex with anyone but my husband—not even in dreams. God, I don’t want to use food for comfort or to fill my loneliness. I don’t want to use sex that way either.

I renounce the lie that I have believed—the lie that masturbation is okay if I don’t allow my thoughts to go to lust or fantasy. I renounce the desire to have sexual pleasure apart from my husband. I renounce the desire to give myself comfort through masturbation and I renounce the lie that masturbation will give me any comfort or help me feel better when I’m unhappy, lonely, out of sorts or any other negative feeling.

I break off all residue of my sin. I break off all connection to all I’ve renounced. I break off the spirit of Jezebel. I want nothing to do with you. I break off all lying spirits and all deceiving spirits. (Lord, what else should I break off?)

Father, thank you for Your forgiveness. I want to walk in the blessings of repentance. I choose to walk in Your ways. I love You.

To be continued.

Jezebel Spirit?

Continued from previous entry.

I wanted to talk to someone about what had been happening, but who? The people who might have insight weren't available. I knew that somehow the door had been opened at the point of the troubling matter at the conference. But how? Why? I sat down and began to write everything down, trying to figure it all out. I couldn't. What I could do was confess to God and ask His forgiveness and His protection.

Finally, I got a chance to talk to a friend knowledgeable in these matters. She had a number of things to say but one, which she didn't have time to elaborate on, stuck with me. She mentioned the Jezebel spirit. I’ve heard of this before but never had anyone explain what it is so I went to do some research.

The idea of this spirit comes from Revelation 2:20. “I have this against you: You tolerate that woman Jezebel, who calls herself a prophetess. By her teaching she misleads, seduces my servants into sexual immorality and the eating of food sacrificed to idols.” That’s exactly what happened! I was seduced into sexual immorality! Seduced by lies I accepted as truth. I need to do more studying and I want to examine how/if this connects to what was taught at the conference but for now I'm just applying it to what happened to me personally and the choices I made.

The Jezebel spirit seduces. It comes "...to draw us away from God and His Truth, by seductive means! Seduction is subtle. It does not blatantly state, 'I come to draw you away.' It comes in disguise. It seems to be ok. It desires to convince one that it too is of God, and hence, can be trusted...."(1) That's what happened to me.

The research I did retold the story of Ahab, Jezebel and Naboth's vineyard. “Ahab, used to having his own way, (and this is the root of the entering in of this spirit) went home and pouted.”

…There is no place for this Jezebel spirit to work, when people only want what God wants! It is only when self-will enters the equation that "Jezebel" has a place! She used lies, intimidation, and people, to get Ahab his way! Truth played no part in what she did.

“She could have done nothing if Ahab had not allowed her to USURP his authority! He was in fact, KING. He could have stopped her, but closed his eyes to what she was doing, in order to have his own way!”(1)

This Jezebel spirit can’t do anything with me either if I don’t allow it to usurp my authority in Christ. I can stop it if I don’t close my eyes to what it is doing in order to have my own way.

Another site said, "It is a product of the flesh that opens the door to an evil spirit. It is behaviour that operates through a person to control by the use of manipulative, domineering and intimidating tactics. When it is in the church it is to disrupt the flow of the Spirit."(2)

The troubling matter at the conference and my resultant, critical attitude disrupted the flow of God's Spirit in me. Having cut off the flow of God's Spirit in me, I was open to attack with no protection.

The solution? “…the person must be willing to ruthlessly face truth and be willing to let God crucify his flesh. The flesh and its patterns must be subjected to the Holy Spirit daily in order for the person to be permanently set free…. A true explanation of Jezebel can clearly be described as the worship of self-will.”(2)

I had already confessed my sin to God so I asked my friend, the next time I was talking to her, what else I needed to do. Repent, Renounce, Break, Bless. I've done this process before for different things but this time I got an insight. When I renounce the lies I accepted and acted on, I'm saying I don't plan to ever pick them up again. I think I'm going to start an entry in my palmtop where I keep track of the things I renounce. It might be good to renounce them (or remind myself of having renounced them) on a frequent basis.

To be continued.

(1) Cunningham, Paul. “Exposing the Wicked Spirits of Korah and Jezebel.” http://www.revlu.com/Jez.html

(2) Ryden, Vassula. “Beware the Jezebel Spirit.” http://www.tlig.org/jezebel.html

Temptation Succumbed

Continued from previous entry.

The following weekend I was out of town again, this time at a Christian conference. Something troubling happened at the Saturday night session that had me questioning the theology and, in fact, the entire spiritual legitimacy of the speaker and her team. Because of this, I had trouble entering into worship and found myself being critical of all that happened from then on. My mood was altered and I couldn’t shake the dis-ease I felt.

Somehow, and I didn't know how until later in the week, that opened a door that I was unable (or maybe unwilling) to close. The temptation I had successfully fought all the week before came again. Unlike the previous Saturday, none of my thoughts through the day had in any way invited it—at least in any way obvious to me at the time. But Satan fashioned a lie that said that since my thoughts hadn’t been where they shouldn’t be, I could successfully give in this time because I wouldn’t be tempted to let my thoughts go where they shouldn’t while I gave in. How’s that for twisted logic? I believed the lie and gave in to the temptation.

Of course it didn’t relieve the way I was feeling because of the troubling matter at the conference and I continued to be very discombobulated. I knew there was a connection between what had happened in the service and my giving in to temptation, but I couldn't figure it out. I remained that way all Sunday.

Monday morning I woke to an erotic dream. I never have erotic dreams. Never. This was the first. It was obvious the masturbation had opened a huge door. I was very distressed and didn't know what to do or how to get out of where I was. To compound the problem, I had really enjoyed the dream and couldn't get it off my mind. I wanted to go back there. What in the world was going on, I wondered? It was certainly something out of the ordinary and it bothered me. What had I opened myself to? I tried to resist the subsequent temptations but I seemed unable. I continued to be troubled and concerned.

If I had any doubts about being in a spiritual battle, they were all removed by the next morning. I had another dream. This one wasn't sexual at all but rather focused on Buddhist monks celebrating yoga. Interestingly, all night, before the dream, during and even after, I had been praying, "Lord, protect me!" It wasn't a very conscious thing I was doing. It was just there, all night. I don't think I got much sleep. In the dream I knew I was where I shouldn’t be and sought a way to escape. When I awoke I laughed at Satan. He had been successful with the previous night’s dream but this one didn’t come close to tempting me to anything. Nevertheless, it woke me up to the fact that I was facing something way bigger than I had realized.

To be continued.

Temptation Resisted

Three weeks ago I was at an out-of-town wedding. I watched the lithe movements of the boyish photographer and found myself wondering if she was lesbian. The thought appealled to me and I watched her a lot. I watched the other women as well and found myself playing what I thought was an innocent “game” of evaluating each woman as to her desirability.

That night when I went to bed, the temptation to masturbate was huge. There are many who say that there’s nothing wrong with masturbation. Certainly the Bible makes no statement about it, at least not directly. So, I’ve always held to the idea that so long as one is not lusting or fantasizing while doing it, there’s nothing wrong with it. But I knew, given where my thoughts had been during the day and evening, that giving in to the temptation would open the door to places I dared not go. Though I wanted to be able to see past the lies Satan threw at me, I desperately wanted to believe them (if that makes sense). Finally the thought came to me that God can give me so much more than what I wanted to take for myself at that moment and that was enough. I was able to resist and go to sleep.

With no provocation on my part, the temptation came again the next night and the next. Each time the triggers were different and each time I thought I had a justified reason to ignore what God was telling me—or to pretend it wasn’t Him talking. Is God all I want? Is He all I need? I was beginning to realize that the “little errands” I had allowed my double-minded mind to run on behalf of my old nature had opened an enormous door that was resulting in unnecessary warfare. What I had thought was innocent was, in fact, potentially deadly. I must guard my thoughts much more tenaciously than I had realized.

On the fourth day of this nightly battle, still out of town, my host took me on a short trip to visit someone. This trip took us to the highway that leads to where my former lover lives. The road signs announcing the places near her pulled at me and at my thoughts. I miss her terribly. But I had learned something from the night of the wedding. I cannot allow my mind to dwell even on seemingly innocent thoughts if they have the potential to lead me to temptation and sin. And so I began to recite the passage I’m currently memorizing and the danger passed. But that night, again the temptation returned.

Interestingly, one of those nights of temptation, I was reading the book “Captivating” by John and Stacy Eldridge. The deal I made with God that night was that I would finish reading the chapter first and then maybe I would give in. Oh how foolishly our minds work! The chapter was about healing wounds and walked the reader through things like renouncing the lies our wounds tell us. Well, I couldn’t exactly renounce and then pick the lies right back up again, could I?

Thankfully, each night I resisted and after the fourth night the nightly battle ended.

To be continued.

You look so good!

People have been remarking on the changes in me. The say things like my eyes have changed, my skin has changed, I look lighter, I seem more joyful and positive, I look good. At first I thought it was the make-up I’ve started wearing but even those online are making such comments and those in person insist that it is something deeper than make-up.

So what’s made the difference? Nothing has changed in my circumstances. My life is the same as it always is. And yet I feel different too. There is a change. What might it be? I will be tracing what I think what led to this in the next two or three posts.

Hardened and Softened

This morning I was editing my second son's essay comparing Coleridge and Blake and their spiritual views (an interesting essay by a son who wants nothing to do with Christianity). He wrote, "Innocence plays a large role in Christianity in that the innocent, unknowing child is spotless of sin, and therefore instantly gains entrance to the kingdom of heaven; this is seen also in Blake's 'A Cradle Song', wherein the Christ Child's image is likened to the image of all newborns and shows that experience is what hardens the human soul."

That got me thinking. If it is experience that hardens the human soul, and my experience and all I've read and been taught would substantiate this, then would not experience be what would soften it? The experience that hardens is the experience we have with sinful man and his wounding power. The experience that heals is the experience we have with holy God and His healing power. It isn't knowledge that wounds or heals. It isn't doctrine or dogma either. It is only when we have an encounter with the living God and He impacts our lives in a real and experiential way that we begin to soften towards Him.

Fear

Fear

I'm catching up in my mail and found a note from someone who anonymously commented on my blog entry "Inadequacy and Fear". She wrote, "this is just the exact feelings i am going thru and i also do not know hot to face my fears . i feel so inadequate and i am sure i must be o/w why would i feel it but how do i face them ?? its really feels like a mess !!"

I've been giving some thought to fear, especially since I just finished reading Michael Crichton's novel, "State of Fear". Evans, a lawyer who's one of the main characters in the story, is given the job of talking to and calming down Professor Norman Hoffman who threatens to disrupt an important conference. Hoffman studies "the ecology of thought...and how it has led to a State of Fear." Because this is the crux of the book, the reader is treated to many of Hoffman's thoughts and ideas as he tells them to Evans.

He suggests (and Crichton has an impressive 33-page annotated bibliography at the end of the novel) that social control is best managed through fear. He makes a good case for how heavy-weight organizations promote "fear in the population--under the guise of promoting safety." "Industrialized nations provide their citizens with unprecedented safety, health, and comfort. Average life spans increased fifty percent in the last century. Yet modern people live in abject fear. They are afraid of strangers, of disease, of crime, of the environment. They are afraid of the homes they live in, the food they eat, the technology that surrounds them. They are in a particular panic over things they can't even see--germs, chemicals, additives, pollutants. They are timid, nervous, fretful, and depressed." He asks the question, "How has this world view been instilled in everyone?" And we see the answer above--fear is used to control people nation-wide and around the world.

Interestingly, Crichton (through Hoffman's voice) twists a popular saying amongst Christians to "What Would Jesus Drive?" complaining that the religious leaders do not speak out against the fear-mongering that occurs "As if they have forgotten that what Jesus would drive is the false prophets and fearmongers out of the temple."

The Bible says, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." (1 John 4:18, NIV) As I was reading the conversation between Evans and Hoffman, I was struck by how fear is a tool that Satan uses to keep US under his control. I've heard it said that the only weapon Satan has against us is deceitfulness. If he can get us to believe the lie that something is worth being afraid of, then he can control how we behave.

The only way we can face our fears is by asking God to show us the truth and then choosing to believe what he shows us despite how tangible and real the lie of our fears seems to be. The truth is that we ARE inadequate. That's why we need Jesus. Without Him we are a mess. But for those who are in Christ Jesus, there is no condemnation for that weakness. In fact, we're told that Christ's power is made perfect in our weaknesses. We can rejoice in being weak, as bizarre as that seems.

I know that some of my biggest fears are connected to rejection. The fear of rejection often reduces me to tears. I've been shown this past week in another area of my life just how vulnerable I am to Satan's lies. They are so subtle and believable! And yet, from this other experience (which I will write about in another entry), I'm realizing just how important it is to keep connected to Jesus through His Holy Spirit so that I can hear the truths He's trying to tell me to counteract the lies. This is what I want more than anything else--to have God's Spirit flowing through me at all times and to have nothing blocking Him and His voice but to hear all He chooses to tell me and to believe and obey it.

Dear Father, I don't want to believe the lies that tie me to fear. You are Love and perfect love drives out fear. Please drive out all fear from me. Jesus, block my ears from the lies but keep them open to hear all Your truths for You are Truth. Holy Spirit, fill me and flow through me. Be my Source of confidence and comfort. I want only you, God.