Searching for Life
I couldn't sleep. I went to bed and I stayed there but it seemed like the battle of the previous post continued in my mind, threatening to engulf me if only I would give in to the thoughts that plagued me. I refused. I recited the two chapters in Matthew that I've been reviewing the past few months, I sang silent songs of praise to God, I prayed, I chanted over and over and over again, "I choose Life!" When my alarm rang for church at 9:30 a.m., I still hadn't slept, though I'd been in bed for 7 hours. I was too tired to move.
I DID force myself to get up later, however, and attended two other church functions--another step in choosing Life over self-destruction. I would have liked to have slept my day away or hidden away, especially when the afternoon activitiy was a women's group taking its first look at John and Stacy Eldridge's book, Captivating. My perusal through the study guide before going had produced enough tears that I wanted to stay far away from the group and the potential for more tears to flow. I went anyway and compromised by hiding around a corner where most couldn't see me. To my surprise, I was okay most of the time and could probably have been in the thick of things once I'd shared my pain with my friend, the hostess.
She wanted me to go to an evening event at our "mother church". The afternoon event went so long that even if we left straight from one and went to the other, we'd be late. I wasn't sure. But it was to be a time of praise, worship and intercession and I thought it might be good for me to simply sit and soak in the presence of God. My friend urged me to go and so I did. I'm glad I did, though the "sniff" (rubber cement or some solvent kept in a small container and sniffed to produce a "high") of the men sitting behind me was rather strong. Everyone is welcome in this church in the middle of the worst part of the city, which I think is the coolest thing.
I've never experienced or seen what I observed that night. It was awesome. I arrived late. The band was leading the congregation in worship. As seems typical in many churches, the same song went on and on and on. And then someone stepped to the mike to begin the time of intercession. People were invited to come forward if they wanted to pray and some did--praying extemporaneously or praying Scripture. And here's where it became interesting. The person praying would pause and the band, which had been playing in the background, would begin to sing--first one person in the band and then another and another. I didn't realize it at first because it happened so seamlessly and it seemed rehearsed but they weren't singing any particular song but rather singing their agreement with what had just been prayed. They'd sing for a bit and then pause and the person praying would then continue with his or her prayer. It was a beautiful way to dialogue together to God.
Sometimes one of the musicians would sing a phrase or sentence and turn it into a repetitious rythym. I remembered how, at the camp I'd been to in the summer, people would sing "in the Spirit" but would sing real words and music that harmonized and counter-pointed each other and it sounded so heavenly. I felt encouraged in my spirit to participate with the band in the same way (they were loud enough that I figured I could sing gustily and not be "found out") and so, when the music seemed right, I would counter with my own words, harmonies and rythym. If only worship could always be so wonderfully intricate and inclusive! My soul soared to the heights.
God is good. That night I didn't have to battle to choose Life. Instead (though still I couldn't sleep), I could celebrate and thank God for His mercies which are continually renewed.
I DID force myself to get up later, however, and attended two other church functions--another step in choosing Life over self-destruction. I would have liked to have slept my day away or hidden away, especially when the afternoon activitiy was a women's group taking its first look at John and Stacy Eldridge's book, Captivating. My perusal through the study guide before going had produced enough tears that I wanted to stay far away from the group and the potential for more tears to flow. I went anyway and compromised by hiding around a corner where most couldn't see me. To my surprise, I was okay most of the time and could probably have been in the thick of things once I'd shared my pain with my friend, the hostess.
She wanted me to go to an evening event at our "mother church". The afternoon event went so long that even if we left straight from one and went to the other, we'd be late. I wasn't sure. But it was to be a time of praise, worship and intercession and I thought it might be good for me to simply sit and soak in the presence of God. My friend urged me to go and so I did. I'm glad I did, though the "sniff" (rubber cement or some solvent kept in a small container and sniffed to produce a "high") of the men sitting behind me was rather strong. Everyone is welcome in this church in the middle of the worst part of the city, which I think is the coolest thing.
I've never experienced or seen what I observed that night. It was awesome. I arrived late. The band was leading the congregation in worship. As seems typical in many churches, the same song went on and on and on. And then someone stepped to the mike to begin the time of intercession. People were invited to come forward if they wanted to pray and some did--praying extemporaneously or praying Scripture. And here's where it became interesting. The person praying would pause and the band, which had been playing in the background, would begin to sing--first one person in the band and then another and another. I didn't realize it at first because it happened so seamlessly and it seemed rehearsed but they weren't singing any particular song but rather singing their agreement with what had just been prayed. They'd sing for a bit and then pause and the person praying would then continue with his or her prayer. It was a beautiful way to dialogue together to God.
Sometimes one of the musicians would sing a phrase or sentence and turn it into a repetitious rythym. I remembered how, at the camp I'd been to in the summer, people would sing "in the Spirit" but would sing real words and music that harmonized and counter-pointed each other and it sounded so heavenly. I felt encouraged in my spirit to participate with the band in the same way (they were loud enough that I figured I could sing gustily and not be "found out") and so, when the music seemed right, I would counter with my own words, harmonies and rythym. If only worship could always be so wonderfully intricate and inclusive! My soul soared to the heights.
God is good. That night I didn't have to battle to choose Life. Instead (though still I couldn't sleep), I could celebrate and thank God for His mercies which are continually renewed.
posted by Magdaleine at 11:59 AM
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