Rage and Peace
I was in a rage. I needed to get to the meeting by a certain time and my car was gone. Someone had taken it without checking first to see if I needed to use it. I thought it was my son because my husband has his own car. When it was my husband who pulled it into the driveway, my fury was unleashed. I let him know just how angry I was as I flew out the door. On my return four hours later, I confronted him on how his thoughtlessness made me late. He should have asked first. He knew I was going out. He could have used his own car. He stared at me with stony silence--no apology, no regret that he had inconvenienced me, no acknowledgement that his actions could have been different but rather the attitude that it was me who was the one at fault because I was behaving like an enraged she-bear.
This uncaring attitude was, in my mind, far worse than the first offence. How am I supposed to love this man? How am I supposed to not hate him? How am I supposed to not be angry? I wanted to say a whole lot of things I dared not. I did NOT love him that evening. Instead I wanted to rip him and the entire house to shreds. Of course I didn't. Instead I sobbed with impotent frustration, my rage insufficiently vented.
I was frustrated with his lack of caring but I was also frustrated with myself. A week before I'd had an incredible insight (see 180º: Marriage Miracle).
How do I go to where I was the week before? How do I deal with my rage given what God showed me last week? What do I do with my anger, my rage? How do I turn off the rage and let it go so I can forgive? How do I forgive and accept without being a doormat where my husband keeps doing the same sort of thing over and over again? I was convicted the previous week of how I've treated him. This day I found myself back at where I was before that conviction, not changed. Still angry. I didn't know how to get out of it. Just saying "I forgive him" wouldn't do.
Thanks be to God for loving and godly friends. One such friend listened with calm understanding as I spewed my frustrations and questions towards her. "Forgiveness is letting go," she said. "It's giving it back to God and saying, 'I won't hold on to this anymore because it's stealing from me and I treasure the Presence of God too much'. I think that's the thing for me, Maggie. The Presence of God is too precious to me. Period. To know His voice, to hear Him, to sense His closeness. Man! I love that so much. I've had just enough taste of Him that I treasure experiencing Him more. Kind of reminds me of that old song, 'and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.' So don't get on yourself. Push those feelings away to God, not shoved inside, and ask him for a refreshing."
Talking with her for a couple hours calmed me down enough that I could see my need to spend some time with God. I went down to my prayer room, knelt before the little altar I've made and prayed. It just didn't seem to be enough though, as if the words were empty. Doesn't praise change our hearts? I began to sing and probably sang for an hour before I felt a measure of peace. I spoke the words, "I forgive my husband for not caring that he hurt and inconvenienced me," went upstairs, wrote a note of apology for blowing up at him and went to bed. I didn't sleep much. I had to keep handing the anger over to God.
I woke up in tears. All that day I was an emotional mess, full of anger and not knowing how I could respond to my husband's arrival home in a loving, forgiving way. This time it didn't take me too long to realize that spending time with God might help. I went down to my prayer room and sat before the little altar, bawling my eyes out. I took the relevant symbols from the shelf where they usually lay and placed them on the altar so that everything was before me as reminders and prompts. I ignored them all at first, just staring at the flames of the candle and crying out to God.
After a while I focused on the dish of salt. God, help me to be salt to my family. Don't let me lose my saltiness! I turned back to the candle. God, let my family see GOOD in me, not evil. May they see this good so they can glorify you. ("Let your light so shine before men that they see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.") I picked up the goblet of grape juice. Fill me with your character, Lord! Fill me with your Spirit! Produce in me the fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, self-control.... Oh, I can't remember one of them. What is it? I looked in my Bible. Ah yes! Faithfulness. I read the verses surrounding the ones about the fruit of the Spirit. "When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, your lives will produce these evil results: ...hostility, outbursts of anger....." That's not so good. That certainly described where I was the night before and where I couldn't seem to get away from this day.
I got it in mind that perhaps I should see what Wuest has to say about this passage. Somehow it was speaking to me. I want the joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, self-control--none of which I displayed towards my husband the night before nor which I felt much towards him as I sat there. I wanted to but I couldn't make it happen. Wuest wrote a series of books of word studies from the Greek New Testament. Yadah recommended them and they arrived less than a month ago. Except for cursory glancing, this was the first time I would be using them. He doesn't give an indepth look at all the NT books but thankfully, Galatians is there.
I started with 5:16. So I advise you to live according to your new life in the Holy Spirit. Then you won't be doing what your sinful nature craves. Wuest has nearly 2 pages of commentary on this one verse. I'll share what I underlined. "The evil nature is not eradicated. Its power over the believer is broken, and the believer need not obey it. But it is there, constantly attmepting to control the believer as it did before salvation wrought its work in his being. ...if the believer depends upon the Spirit to give him both the desire and the power to do the will of God, he will not bring to fulfillment in action, the evil impulses of the fallen nature, but will be able to resist and conquer them."
5:17 The old sinful nature loves to do evil, which is just opposite from what the Holy Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are opposite from what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, and your choices are never free from this conflict. Wuest retranslates this. "For the flesh constantly has a strong desire to suppress the Spirit, and the Spirit constantly has a strong desire to suppress the flesh. And these are entrenched in an attitude of mutual oppoition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you desire to do." He comments, in part, " The purpose of each is to prevent the believer from doing what the other moves him to do. The choice lies with the saint. He must develop the habit of keeping his eyes fixed on the Lord Jesus and his trust in the Holy spirit. The more he says NO to the sin, the easier it is to say NO, until it becomes a habit. The more he says YES to the Lord Jesus, the easier it is to say YES, until that becomes a habit. The will of the believer is absolutely free from the compelling power of the evil nature. If he obeys the latter, it is because he chooses to do so.
5:18 But when you are directed by the Holy Spirit, you are no longer subject to the law. Wuest writes, "Again, the law finds nothing to condemn in the life of the person who is led by the Spirit, for that person checks every wrong desire which is brought to him by the evil nature, and so he fulfills the law."
I didn't underline anything in 5:19-21 When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, your lives will produce these evil results: sexual immorality, impure thoughts, eagerness for lustful pleasure, idolatry, participation in demonic activities, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, divisions, the feeling that everyone is wrong except those in your own little group, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other kinds of sin. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God. That's pretty straight forward.
5:22-23 But when the Holy Spirit controls our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Here there is no conflict with the law. Wuest: "The particular word for love here is agape...its chief ingredient, self-sacrifice for the benefit of the one loved...." I certainly wasn't being very self-sacrificing with my attitude, was I? Am I willing to sacrifice my timetable (needing to get to the meeting on time) or my need to matter to my husband (he wasn't bothered enough by how he inconvenienced me and caused me pain to offer a simple apology or statement of regret)? Frankly, not only did I not ACT loving, I didn't FEEL loving.
Wuest: "Peace here ... can be defined as tranquility of mind based on the consciousness of a right relation to God." This is what I needed, tranquility of mind. I was calming down but certainly when I had arrived in my prayer room I had absolutely no tranquility of mind. I was very untranquil. I couldn't get rid of the anger.
Wuest: "Longsuffering is from makrothumia which speaks of the steadfastness of the soul under provocation. It includes the idea of forbearance and patient endurance of wrong under ill-treatment, without anger or thought of revenge." Sigh. The current translation in most Bibles of "patience" hardly begins to cover this understanding, does it? Yes, I was sorely provoked. Was I steadfast in staying where God wanted me? Did I patiently endure the wrong without anger? Not at all! I burst into flames and spewed them all over my husband.
You can understand that by this time I was well (though gently) chastised by the Spirit and the anger had dissipated. I drank the contents of the goblet. God, cover me with your blood. Fill me with your character. Produce in me this joy, love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control!
I picked up the crown of thorns. God, I have said I want to be part of the fellowship of your sufferings and yet the moment an opportunity comes to practice this, I blow it. What suffering am I willing to endure? I can't even tolerate the unexplained disappearance of my van when I need it nor the seeming indifference of my husband to how he caused trouble for me. Make me willing!
The entire time I was down there, except for when I needed two hands for the books I was juggling, I held the spike in my hand. It originally was a reminder of God's forgiveness of me and a prompt to forgive others but it's also become a reminder of how much I need God. As I clutched it tightly, I repeated over and over again, I NEED you, God! I can't do this without you. Help me forgive my husband as you have forgiven me!
I stayed in my prayer room until I was at peace and knew that, at least for the time being, the anger had been dealt with.
It's been a couple days now and I've found myself being compassionate towards my husband as he's been dealing with difficult things at work. I've been able to look at him while he sleeps and realize how vulnerable and needy he is. Yes, there have been a gazillion things in the past several days that have made me cringe and for which I've had to continually go to God to say, "Help! I can't do this! Give me love for him!" My husband isn't the one who changed on that day after Mother's Day. It was me. He will continue to behave in all the ways that have angered me in the past. It is me who must learn to respond in loving ways.
And now we are leaving in 2 1/2 hours to go to a Christian family camp. I'm kind of nervous about this. I'm really looking forward to the camp itself--it is an awesomely Spirit-filled place from all accounts--but spending a weekend in close quarters with my husband? I'm going to need a huge dose of God's grace and Spirit's presence to enable me to do this. God help me!
This uncaring attitude was, in my mind, far worse than the first offence. How am I supposed to love this man? How am I supposed to not hate him? How am I supposed to not be angry? I wanted to say a whole lot of things I dared not. I did NOT love him that evening. Instead I wanted to rip him and the entire house to shreds. Of course I didn't. Instead I sobbed with impotent frustration, my rage insufficiently vented.
I was frustrated with his lack of caring but I was also frustrated with myself. A week before I'd had an incredible insight (see 180º: Marriage Miracle).
I didn’t realize it until I read that short passage but I’ve been incredibly angry with my husband. I’ve been angry, bitter, and unforgiving. It’s not my husband who has put the barriers between us, it’s been my anger, my self-centredness, my self-protection, my unforgiveness. ... He’s not a snake with some redeeming qualities but a good man with short-comings. ... I am choosing to put my anger aside and to love this man who has so faithfully loved me despite my behaviour and attitude. Yes, he has faults. So do I. Frankly, the faults that come out of his insecurities and which have so rankled me, are not nearly so serious (if one could rank sins) as my repeated unfaithfulness to him. He IS a good man.
How do I go to where I was the week before? How do I deal with my rage given what God showed me last week? What do I do with my anger, my rage? How do I turn off the rage and let it go so I can forgive? How do I forgive and accept without being a doormat where my husband keeps doing the same sort of thing over and over again? I was convicted the previous week of how I've treated him. This day I found myself back at where I was before that conviction, not changed. Still angry. I didn't know how to get out of it. Just saying "I forgive him" wouldn't do.
Thanks be to God for loving and godly friends. One such friend listened with calm understanding as I spewed my frustrations and questions towards her. "Forgiveness is letting go," she said. "It's giving it back to God and saying, 'I won't hold on to this anymore because it's stealing from me and I treasure the Presence of God too much'. I think that's the thing for me, Maggie. The Presence of God is too precious to me. Period. To know His voice, to hear Him, to sense His closeness. Man! I love that so much. I've had just enough taste of Him that I treasure experiencing Him more. Kind of reminds me of that old song, 'and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.' So don't get on yourself. Push those feelings away to God, not shoved inside, and ask him for a refreshing."
Talking with her for a couple hours calmed me down enough that I could see my need to spend some time with God. I went down to my prayer room, knelt before the little altar I've made and prayed. It just didn't seem to be enough though, as if the words were empty. Doesn't praise change our hearts? I began to sing and probably sang for an hour before I felt a measure of peace. I spoke the words, "I forgive my husband for not caring that he hurt and inconvenienced me," went upstairs, wrote a note of apology for blowing up at him and went to bed. I didn't sleep much. I had to keep handing the anger over to God.
I woke up in tears. All that day I was an emotional mess, full of anger and not knowing how I could respond to my husband's arrival home in a loving, forgiving way. This time it didn't take me too long to realize that spending time with God might help. I went down to my prayer room and sat before the little altar, bawling my eyes out. I took the relevant symbols from the shelf where they usually lay and placed them on the altar so that everything was before me as reminders and prompts. I ignored them all at first, just staring at the flames of the candle and crying out to God.
After a while I focused on the dish of salt. God, help me to be salt to my family. Don't let me lose my saltiness! I turned back to the candle. God, let my family see GOOD in me, not evil. May they see this good so they can glorify you. ("Let your light so shine before men that they see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.") I picked up the goblet of grape juice. Fill me with your character, Lord! Fill me with your Spirit! Produce in me the fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, self-control.... Oh, I can't remember one of them. What is it? I looked in my Bible. Ah yes! Faithfulness. I read the verses surrounding the ones about the fruit of the Spirit. "When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, your lives will produce these evil results: ...hostility, outbursts of anger....." That's not so good. That certainly described where I was the night before and where I couldn't seem to get away from this day.
I got it in mind that perhaps I should see what Wuest has to say about this passage. Somehow it was speaking to me. I want the joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, self-control--none of which I displayed towards my husband the night before nor which I felt much towards him as I sat there. I wanted to but I couldn't make it happen. Wuest wrote a series of books of word studies from the Greek New Testament. Yadah recommended them and they arrived less than a month ago. Except for cursory glancing, this was the first time I would be using them. He doesn't give an indepth look at all the NT books but thankfully, Galatians is there.
I started with 5:16. So I advise you to live according to your new life in the Holy Spirit. Then you won't be doing what your sinful nature craves. Wuest has nearly 2 pages of commentary on this one verse. I'll share what I underlined. "The evil nature is not eradicated. Its power over the believer is broken, and the believer need not obey it. But it is there, constantly attmepting to control the believer as it did before salvation wrought its work in his being. ...if the believer depends upon the Spirit to give him both the desire and the power to do the will of God, he will not bring to fulfillment in action, the evil impulses of the fallen nature, but will be able to resist and conquer them."
5:17 The old sinful nature loves to do evil, which is just opposite from what the Holy Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are opposite from what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, and your choices are never free from this conflict. Wuest retranslates this. "For the flesh constantly has a strong desire to suppress the Spirit, and the Spirit constantly has a strong desire to suppress the flesh. And these are entrenched in an attitude of mutual oppoition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you desire to do." He comments, in part, " The purpose of each is to prevent the believer from doing what the other moves him to do. The choice lies with the saint. He must develop the habit of keeping his eyes fixed on the Lord Jesus and his trust in the Holy spirit. The more he says NO to the sin, the easier it is to say NO, until it becomes a habit. The more he says YES to the Lord Jesus, the easier it is to say YES, until that becomes a habit. The will of the believer is absolutely free from the compelling power of the evil nature. If he obeys the latter, it is because he chooses to do so.
5:18 But when you are directed by the Holy Spirit, you are no longer subject to the law. Wuest writes, "Again, the law finds nothing to condemn in the life of the person who is led by the Spirit, for that person checks every wrong desire which is brought to him by the evil nature, and so he fulfills the law."
I didn't underline anything in 5:19-21 When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, your lives will produce these evil results: sexual immorality, impure thoughts, eagerness for lustful pleasure, idolatry, participation in demonic activities, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, divisions, the feeling that everyone is wrong except those in your own little group, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other kinds of sin. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God. That's pretty straight forward.
5:22-23 But when the Holy Spirit controls our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Here there is no conflict with the law. Wuest: "The particular word for love here is agape...its chief ingredient, self-sacrifice for the benefit of the one loved...." I certainly wasn't being very self-sacrificing with my attitude, was I? Am I willing to sacrifice my timetable (needing to get to the meeting on time) or my need to matter to my husband (he wasn't bothered enough by how he inconvenienced me and caused me pain to offer a simple apology or statement of regret)? Frankly, not only did I not ACT loving, I didn't FEEL loving.
Wuest: "Peace here ... can be defined as tranquility of mind based on the consciousness of a right relation to God." This is what I needed, tranquility of mind. I was calming down but certainly when I had arrived in my prayer room I had absolutely no tranquility of mind. I was very untranquil. I couldn't get rid of the anger.
Wuest: "Longsuffering is from makrothumia which speaks of the steadfastness of the soul under provocation. It includes the idea of forbearance and patient endurance of wrong under ill-treatment, without anger or thought of revenge." Sigh. The current translation in most Bibles of "patience" hardly begins to cover this understanding, does it? Yes, I was sorely provoked. Was I steadfast in staying where God wanted me? Did I patiently endure the wrong without anger? Not at all! I burst into flames and spewed them all over my husband.
You can understand that by this time I was well (though gently) chastised by the Spirit and the anger had dissipated. I drank the contents of the goblet. God, cover me with your blood. Fill me with your character. Produce in me this joy, love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control!
I picked up the crown of thorns. God, I have said I want to be part of the fellowship of your sufferings and yet the moment an opportunity comes to practice this, I blow it. What suffering am I willing to endure? I can't even tolerate the unexplained disappearance of my van when I need it nor the seeming indifference of my husband to how he caused trouble for me. Make me willing!
The entire time I was down there, except for when I needed two hands for the books I was juggling, I held the spike in my hand. It originally was a reminder of God's forgiveness of me and a prompt to forgive others but it's also become a reminder of how much I need God. As I clutched it tightly, I repeated over and over again, I NEED you, God! I can't do this without you. Help me forgive my husband as you have forgiven me!
I stayed in my prayer room until I was at peace and knew that, at least for the time being, the anger had been dealt with.
It's been a couple days now and I've found myself being compassionate towards my husband as he's been dealing with difficult things at work. I've been able to look at him while he sleeps and realize how vulnerable and needy he is. Yes, there have been a gazillion things in the past several days that have made me cringe and for which I've had to continually go to God to say, "Help! I can't do this! Give me love for him!" My husband isn't the one who changed on that day after Mother's Day. It was me. He will continue to behave in all the ways that have angered me in the past. It is me who must learn to respond in loving ways.
And now we are leaving in 2 1/2 hours to go to a Christian family camp. I'm kind of nervous about this. I'm really looking forward to the camp itself--it is an awesomely Spirit-filled place from all accounts--but spending a weekend in close quarters with my husband? I'm going to need a huge dose of God's grace and Spirit's presence to enable me to do this. God help me!
posted by Magdaleine at 2:35 PM
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