I Walked Too Much!

I walked too much on the weekend. I didn't realize it until I got up from the computer last night to go to bed. I could put no pressure or weight on my right leg at all. Even the cane wasn't much help in walking. It's still a problem, so I won't be walking for a few days. I do have my stationary bike, however, so hopefully I'll be able to ride that when I get home in the evenings.

Lots of Walking

I know death isn't the answer, but sometimes it FEELS like it's the only way out. I am committed to not pursue that line of thinking but the temptation still comes. I'm also committed to honesty, openness and transparency and so I admit the bad as well as the good. And I know I need as many people praying for me as possible because there's no way I can do what I shoud and WANT to do without God responding to and answering those prayers. So thank you for praying.

Today has been good. Fourth Son's girlfriend is here from Vancouver so I told them they could have the car for the day if they drove me to church in the morning. I would walk everywhere I had to go. And so, after church, I walked an hour and three-quarters to the women's study in the afternoon, stopping along the way for lunch, and then I walked home after the study, another hour and a half, for a total of three and a quarter hours of walking.

My pedometer seemed to working well yesterday when I went walking but although I walked an hour more today, it recorded the same distance, which doesnt' make sense so I'm kind of frustrated with it. My boys suggest that perhaps I'm such a graceful walker that the pedometer doesn't register all my steps. I doubt THAT'S true but the thought is flattering.

Anyway, all the walking really helps me because I spend the time memorizing Scripture (Matthew 16 today) and so my mind is kept on things of God instead of other things.

No One Has Ever Loved Me as Much

I continue to struggle with thoughts about Pearl. I realize that I'm double-minded about this because obviously some part of me still WANTS to think about her. My psychiatrist has asked more than once, "What is it about her, or what does she represent that has me so attached to her?"

My answer is always, "No one has ever loved me or wanted me the way she did." I've been turning this around and thinking about it and my head knows that God loves and wants me way more than she ever has or ever could but my feelings/heart just doesn't seem to believe it. Wednesday night I was thinking about this and God reminded me that He has shown me His love for me in ways that most people never experience. I have cuddled in God's arms, as a child with a father; I have been hugged and loved and picked up as a child, sitting on Jesus' arm high above all the other kids; I have danced with God in a meadow; Jesus has come up behind me, put His arms around me and nuzzled His face into my neck. He has loved, and comforted and romanced me.

And as I thought about all this, the words that I've been memorizing in Matthew came to me, "You of little faith. Why did you doubt?" And it's true. I have minimized or forgotten or diminished what I have experienced because God is Spirit, not flesh and blood, even though my experiences with him have been very real. I have doubted, like Peter, when he was walking on the water and began to sink when he saw the waves.

And so, since then, I've been going back to those experiences and used my imagination to relive them—over and over again. I'm reminded of Brother Lawrence from several hundred years ago who talked about practicing the presence of God. That's exactly what I've been doing and even going to sleep with those pictures on my mind. And amazingly, the last two nights I've actually slept well—or at least better than I have in several months. My family doctor is convinced that my inability to sleep is directly connected to my depression. Could I have found the answer to both my depression and sleep problems? I think it's a possibility.

But once again I've been in a battle. I got into my car to come home from work and the Christian radio station I always listen to was playing a song that reminded me of Pearl, and the tension and fight began again. It's been so strong lately that sometimes I think the only escape is death. To add to the difficulties is a growing attraction to one of my co-workers. She's a very affectionate person—-to everyone (or at least to those she likes)—and she freely dispenses hugs, comments like, "I adore you," and even a kiss on the cheek once. I find myself wanting more of the same, so I'm battling that too.

It's obvious that Satan is trying to take away all the ground I gain and take away any victories I've won. Of course I've got to fight on but sometimes, like earlier, it seems too much. How long can I go on like this?

My friend had written to me: "We must believe God can help us. We must trust Him to help us. We must take the steps He shows us."

Yes. This is what I must do and He HAS shown me what to do—-focus on those experiences I've had with God showing me His love and soaking in the knowledge that He DOES love me and His love for me is intense. I realize that my faith IS little. I can't do this alone. I think of persecuted Christians and what they've had to give up in order to stay faithful to God. Surely if THEY can stay faithful, I can.

I'm going to a retreat next weekend. I'm hoping that God will do something for me if I can just hang on till then. Actually, I told my psychiatrist about the retreat and she wanted to know more about it and what I hoped would happen so I told her. So now it feels like God's reputation is at stake for surely she is skeptical. Will God do something marvelous for me, to show His glory and power to my doctor? I'm praying He will.

So, that's where I'm at. It's frustrating to go back and forth between extremes so quickly. I know God will get me through if I let Him. Please pray that I will!

Doctors, Doctors and More Doctors!

This past week has been very difficult. On Monday I had to have a tooth filled. I don't like dentists and was really shaken, crying in the chair and such. I came home only to get a phone call reminding me (I had completely forgotten and hadn't marked it on my calendar) that I had a gastroscopy (camera down the throat to look at the esophagus and stomach) on Friday. I already knew that I had another tooth to be filled on Thursday. I was really numb at this prospect. Then my husband, who hadn't taken the time to find out how my day was, asked me to come sit with him and the fellow working on our bathroom as they sat drinking coffee and chatting. I didn't want to but I wanted to please him so I sat there, not really enjoying myself, for about an hour. Finally I said that I wanted to go back to the kitchen (where the computer is) but could we discuss a few things about the bathroom first. I was actually feeling goofy and was joking around, but after the workman left, my husband came to me very angry because 1) I had wanted to leave their company to return to the computer and 2) he hadn't liked my joking around and felt ... well, I'm not sure. Can't remember the word he used. I was furious. For the first time in a long time I had actually felt safe enough to joke with him and he totally misunderstood my intent. I certainly hadn't meant to hurt him or diminish him. I was still shaking from everything else before and was so angry with his attitude that I yelled back at him. The next morning, still hurt and angry at his behaviour, I yelled a whole lot more and was miserable all day at work as my world spiralled down. I had sent him an apology e-card but though I learned later that he had replied, very nicely, I didn't see that reply till the next day. I was in such a bad state that I broke down in tears at work.

That was Tuesday. Thursday, when I went for my second filling, the dentist had to fill up his needle three times before I had enough freezing. He told me that if this third time didn't work, I'd have to go home without the filling and come back again another day. That I did NOT want and so I started praying furiously. Thankfully my mouth was frozen enough and I got the filling done but my ear was frozen, my chin was frozen, my tongue was frozen and so was everything else in between. It was still frozen when I went to bed.

I was really scared about the gastroscopy. Last time I had a "scopy", it was a laparoscopy and instead of being sent home and able to work the next day like the woman ahead of me, I had been admitted to the hospital and then had a recovery time of six weeks. I did NOT want that happening again, especially since I have a regular job for the time being.

I left work at noon and drove home where dh was waiting to take me to the hospital. I was very impressed that he had taken a "family emergency day" to be with me but then he spent the time being really miserable to me and again I was in tears. I was so discouraged. I told him I wish I had let one of our boys take me instead. He eventually got nicer. And the gastroscopy turned out to be not nearly as bad as I had anticipated. The nurses were nice and it wasn't long after the procedure that I was able to sit up and eat something (my reward for being able to gag right away was a glass of water, followed shortly afterwards by pudding.

Within half an hour or 45 minutes, I was declared able to go home. Amazing! But I could only eat soft food, so I had my husband stop at a store and pick up canned pasta, canned stew and a bucket of ice cream. I basically ate ice cream for the rest of the day and most of Saturday too. I didn't feel like eating much else. Besides, they had taken a biopsy and I didn't want to rip apart the wound inside of me with what I ate.

I've been rather groggy most of the weekend, and the sedating drugs they gave me gave me weird but very vivid dreams. I also couldn't drive for 24 hours or make any major decisions. That was okay. I just lounged about and rested.

So, I hope I've rested enough, because I'm intending to go to work tomorrow. I didn't get any of the symptoms they told me to watch for, so I guess I'm okay. Now I just have to wait for the results.

Today was my next-door neighour's 81st birthday. I bought her a card and we all signed it. But my husband decided to do something different. He prepared her a salmon meal and delivered it to her door dressed in his tuxedo. She was thrilled!

And now I'm tired. Good night everyone!

The country the world forgot - again

I love my country of Canada. I think the following article from a British newspaper describes one aspect of being Canadian very well. If some of my American friends wonder why I'm so prone to speak up about Canada, this is, in part, the reason why. We're the country that everyone ignores.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml?xml=/opinion/2002/04/21/do2106.xml

It's been a while

It's been a shocking five months since I've posted here and so much has happened. And if I don't make a lot of sense in what I write today, I will blame it on the left-over sedation from the medical procedure I underwent yesterday. For 24 hours after leaving the hospital, I'm not to drive or make any major decisions. Is coming back to my blog a major decision? I'll let you decide.

In the past week, I've been reinstating some posts I deleted a year and a half ago. I plan to continue to insert back-dated posts that should have been put in here but weren't. I also hope to be able to continue writing on a more regular basis.

In the past several months, my marriage has improved dramatically, and I say that despite some heated conflagrations this week. It's really been remarkable. I hope to document how that has happened.

I've also been in depression and finally began seeing a psychiatrist two or three months ago. She's really nice and takes pains to not push her agenda on me, which is important because I suspect she's not a Christian and I think she sees nothing wrong with homosexuality--something I continue to struggle with and which is probably a large cause of my depression.

I've been working full time in a term position. I'm reluctant to tell much about my job because I think that as soon as I did, it wouldn't be hard to figure out where I'm working and I don't want to get in trouble with my employer or make things difficult for them. Anything I say about work will be in the vaguest of terms.

That's another thing I've noticed since I've started blogging. Some organizations don't like being identified online. It's really surprised me because often I've mentioned an organization in a way that I thought was positive and wanted to give the organization credit, only to find out that the organization was very angry and insisted I remove my posts. This happened to me nearly two years ago and is why I've been less eager to write here. It's had me second-guessing a lot of what I write. But I want to stop being controlled by that experience and so I'm going to try to be more faithful in writing. I will be careful, however, not to name people or organizations so they can't google and find themselves in my blog--unless I am sure it is safe to do so. I find this an unfortunate thing because I've always been so careful to give credit where credit is due, but I guess it's necessary--at least for now.

There were other things I was going to write but they've escaped my foggy mind. I guess that if they're important, I'll remember later.

It's good to be back.

Extremes

Monday morning I actually felt happy! That was really cool. And I'm seeing all sorts of (positive) changes in my attitude towards my husband. I'm finding that quite amazing.

I'm still not sleeping well and an issue came up with my psychiatrist today that not only had me in tears but had me forcing myself to not scream out, loudly, in emotional pain. I had to go back to work afterwards so it's all stayed stuffed and I don't know how I'm going to deal with this. I could use a lot of prayer on this matter. I'm thinking that we're going to have to do a lot of digging and investigating to get to the root of it and I'm not sure if I can handle the deep pain that's going to come with that. But maybe we're getting close to the root of the depression.