Fear

I have just read one of the most profound things ever written. I'm proud to call the writer my friend. She writes in the web journal, "Around and Around and Around I Go",

Fear "is where God is. God is in the place where nothing is known, and where all there is, is hopes, dreams and visions. God is in the place that takes you out of what you know and puts you into something that is foriegn and doubtful. And in my experience its in those places where you step out and take the risk of loosing what you hold dearly that God changes you, and reveals himself."

Daring to Hope

Yesterday was a day of tears and fear. The tears were from my hurt and disappointment about news I had received on the weekend, and the fear was towards my husband's return from camp. He stayed on an extra week after I left. In part, I wasn't sure what kind of husband I'd be getting back. Would he be the same old man whose lack of interest and considerateness leaves me in seemingly perpetual pain or would he have changed somehow because of the time we spend with the speakers at camp? I was already in great pain--I didn't want more to be added. Further, I didn't want to explain my tears to him and I knew I couldn't hide them. They came unbidden. My reluctance to let him know about my disappointment was based on a fear that he wouldn't understand and rather, misjudge me. I couldn't face any more rejection that day. Besides, I was very tired so, though it was already early evening, I took a nap. Perhaps the sleep would deliver me from my excessively emotional state.

He came home shortly after I went to bed but because I slept a full five hours, I didn't see him until 11:00 at night. By then I had the courage needed to welcome him home with a cheerful face. We conversed for nearly 2 hours. It looks like he really wants to change but I have to admit that it will take me time to accept this. I'm so afraid of being hurt yet again, of having my hopes dashed. And yet I'm seeing and hearing things I've never seen or heard before. For instance, he apologized for the 30+ years of my unhappiness. He did that on his own, without prompting. It's the sort of thing I've wanted to hear and it meant a lot to me.

When he told me he wants to change and I asked what that would look like, he gave me an example of his thought processes when he came home. He saw my laundry bag full of laundry lying on the kitchen floor where I dropped it when I came home from camp a week ago. His first thoughts were angry, "What's she been doing all week?" But then he remembered that I wasn't feeling well all week and so he was able to draw up some understanding and compassion. That's completely new and it was good to hear him express that.

Despite the good stuff that happened, my fear was (and is) enormous. It's hard to let it go. Why is fear so paralyzing? Why am I so fearful? Am I afraid of having a good marriage? As I thought about this before his return home, I realized that nearly everything to do with him evokes some sort of pain and hurt. In my mind and experience, my husband = pain. That's the way it's been since the very beginning. It's been 35 years. That's a lot of pain to let go of. It's a lot of undoing of thought patters. It's a huge history and, on the cusp of what could be a new life with him, it's terrifying.

Today my husband has been really nice to me. He was actually tender and caring to me when I woke up, spending time with me in a way I don't think he ever has before. This is really quite amazing. He was real with me instead of distant or surface or acting out something he didn't feel. Will this last? Probably not. I know it's a journey and just as I have had many falls on my journey to healing and wholeness, so will he. I must allow him that freedom and not get discouraged.

I believe we're entering into a new phase of our marriage. For the first time I'm willing to believe that he really wants to change the way he relates to me. I am hopeful.

Set Back

I met with the coordinator this past Saturday to discuss my role on the Leadership Team this fall. I had been promised by her husband, the director of the ministry that offers the program here in Winnipeg, that I would be on the Leadership Team even if my healing isn't complete. I had hoped to be a small group assistant but was prepared to be on the prayer team if it was deemed I'm not ready for more responsibility. I won't be doing either. I won't be on the Leadership Team at all. Instead, I've been asked to be a participant in the program again.

In fairness to the coordinator, I believe she's doing this for my benefit but it really, really hurts. She knows very little about me so she based her decision on what I told her about myself and my journey since finishing the course the first time two years ago. I don't know why I told her the things I did--I was very open and honest about my struggles, my failings, my weaknesses and vulnerablities--but part of me says that had I emphasized a different aspect of what my life has been since she was my small group leader, she might have made a different decision.

And yet I know God is in charge. In fact, I was just re-reading what I wrote here, "An Introduction to Week One of Camp" and realize that this "set back" could very well be the answer to that prayer. So why does it hurt so much? My world seems turned upside down. I thought I was moving into a new phase and yet it seems I'm stuck in the healing mode and can't get out. Am I really so messed up? What is wrong with me? Will I ever be healed? Will I ever be in a place of wholeness? Is there even any point of trying? The coordinator has written to me, inviting me to share any further thoughts I have about being a participant again but what is there to say? I thought I had dealt with rejection at Rock Lake. "I'm not good enough." I identified that as a lie but what if it's not? The truth is that I'm NOT good enough to be a leader with this program. If I was, I wouldn't be asked to be a participant again. Will there ever be a point when I am? What AM I good enough for? Anything? Why can't I just snap out of this? Why does it hurt so much? Why does it even matter?

Marriage Exposed

Since I was head cook at camp, I didn’t often get to sit in the dining room during meal times and so, in many ways, I was isolated from others without the chance to socialize a whole lot except with those who spent time in the kitchen. However, on Wednesday of the second week, I saw the speakers sitting alone in the dining room, saw that I could take some time away from the kitchen and decided to join them. My husband must have had the same idea because by the time I got to their table, he was sitting with them. I wrote:

I was silent for the most part while my husband talked about all the churches he goes to. He asked about membership and the importance of it and the speaker gave him a strong lecture on the importance of church family and commitment to a congregation. You can’t expect to have positions of authority in the church before you’ve proven yourself by your history with the church. I think my husband was quite sobered by this.

Then he asked (said he was probably opening a can of worms) about the two of us going to different churches. He did, but not the can of worms he was expecting. The speaker very boldly told him we have a bad marriage, we’re divided and not in unity and my husband was responsible. He said so many things that were right on—-without knowing anything about us. He said everything that was wrong with our marriage—-all the things I’ve tried to express but no one, including my husband, would believe me. He uncovered my husband and exposed him and then said that he and and his wife would like to pastor us and help us. It was so awesome to watch and be a part of. He asked about the foundation of our marriage so I told him.... We’re going to talk more tomorrow. It was so awesome to have someone actually want to minister healing to our marriage. You [God] told me our marriage would change here at camp and you are bringing your word to fruition. The speaker prophesied that we will be a team bringing Christ to the nations (I can’t remember his exact words but nations was plural). This is what I have believed would happen after You promised the restore our marriage and make it new.

It was hard to remember everything they said. In a situation like that, you can’t sit and take notes and yet how else do you remember everything? Nor did I have time to journal immediately afterwards because I had to get back to the kitchen and then go to the meeting. Most counselors listen to each marriage partner list what they think is wrong with the marriage—-his complaints about her, her complaints about him-—and then try to give solutions to these problems but not these speakers. They already knew what was wrong. God had showed them. What they wanted to know were the roots of our marriage.

They wanted to break off the unhealthy roots of our marriage and so they addressed these three roots. My husband didn’t add any but he did give some of his current complaints. They could all be traced back to the roots and once again, the one speaker was ruthless with him. Nearly everything he addressed was to him. He had him confessing, repenting, renouncing and breaking.

The other speaker had just happened to have with her the book, Boundaries in Marriage by Townsend and Cloud. She keeps trying to buy a copy for her church. The first one she bought she wound up giving to a couple leaving for overseas. But it was the last copy the store back home had, so she bought another copy on her way to the conference at a town she passed through. It was the last copy THEY had. But despite her difficulty in finding the book and keeping it, she generously gave it to my husband and me. Both she and her husband inscribed commentary on the flyleaf.

In all, they spent 5-6 hours with us over the course of three days. It was hard to juggle the time with my cooking but I saw this as a priority and God made it possible. One day they weren’t available to spend time with us until about an hour before supper. Well, I knew that I wouldn’t be able break away from what they were doing with us to tend to supper, but what to do? Thankfully the meal was all prepared and ready to serve so I found one of the women in charge, told her what was happening and she took care of it.

At the end, when they were finished with my husband, they turned to me and had me make one confession/repentance---that I had responded in sinful ways to the ways he had hurt me. They didn’t ask me to itemize but to just confess in general. I know I have responded in ways I shouldn't. I want to watch for this from now on. However, it's one thing to recognize when I’m responding in sinful ways to things my husband is saying or doing as they’re happening; what’s going to be more difficult is sorting out what sinful behaviour I have now as a result of past hurts. How much of my imperfect housekeeping is sinful, for example, and how much is a proper ordering of priorities on my part and an honest refusal to be controlled and manipulated? I guess I can only rely on God to show me.

One thing discouraged me. My husband was very cooperative while we were with the speakers but when we left them, he said nothing. He didn’t put his arm around me, for instance, and reiterate how sorry he was for the things he’d done. Nor did he complain about how he got picked on. His complaint to me when I try to talk about our marriage problems is, “Why is it always me?” So I thought that perhaps he was again thinking the same thing but he never voiced anything, positive or negative. It was as though nothing had happened. Eventually, a day or two after our last session with them, I asked him about it. He didn’t really have much to say so I don’t know what’s happening. I know something happened in the spiritual and am convinced that this is the beginning of the new work God wants to do in our marriage. It’s quite possible he's simply ruminating on all that happened and we've been apart this past week (he stayed at camp) so there’s been no chance to do any follow up. He’s been reading the book on boundaries and that’s good. The idea is that we are to read and discuss it together so I’m hoping he’ll be open to that.

I can’t get over how clearly they saw exactly what was wrong in our marriage and in fact saw that there is something wrong. There is no doubt in my mind that the man has the ear of God and is using this gift to help others. There was no benefit to him or his wife to help my husband and me. We didn’t go to them asking for help, they came to us. They could have used their afternoons to go fishing or napping or getting ready for his speaking engagement elsewhere the day after he left camp. Instead, they gave and they gave with abundant generosity.

What if I had chosen to not come to camp? To not cook? What if I had never changed churches last summer and so never heard about this camp? God gave us a very special gift but there were steps leading to it that we could have very easily missed. I’m praying that the time and effort they sowed into our lives will not come back to them empty but that our marriage will become all God promised me a year ago that it would become.

Oh! And when they were done, the wife looked at both of us. She didn’t know that I like to write or that I have already written a book of my journey with God. But she said, “You will write a book. It will become a bestseller and you will be on TV.” A year ago, when I had finished the book about my journey with God through my same-sex attraction issues, God told me that the next book I write will be about my marriage and the things she said are the very things God has been putting in my heart. Her words were a confirmation. I know I have to be patient. I know it will take time but I’m looking forward to what God has ahead.

Stepping Through the Open Window

Femi and Remi are a couple from Africa, pastoring a church on the Canadian Prairies. In effect, though they didn’t say it, they are missionaries from Africa to Canada. I had heard so many good things about them the previous summer that I was really looking forward to their teaching and ministry. I enjoyed listening to him talk the second week I was at camp—-he’s very passionate and eloquent—-but he uses a lot of words to not say very much. The topic for the week was “Change”. We need to change. We need to be willing to change. But he didn’t say much about what that change should be.

I also had trouble with the way he did some of his prayer ministry. Some of it was interesting. For instance, he would stop his teaching and ask, “Is there a Cynthia here? I’m being led to pray for a Cynthia. She’s in trouble.” When it was evident there was no Cynthia, he’d ask if any of us know a Cynthia and there was always someone. He would then pray for the Cynthia that was known. Or he’d ask if there was someone with such and such a medical problem, call them forward and pray for them. I found this interesting and I learned from personal experience that this man has spiritual eyes and ears far more attuned than most people so I found these times of healing very interesting. For instance, he had a picture of a baby, connected to the group there, who was having trouble with its umbilical cord or belly button. Was there such a person, he asked? It took a long time but finally a woman stood up and said that her two babies, adopted children, have umbilical hernias. And so they were prayed for.

But I did have trouble when he had us all stand up, put our hands on the places were we have pain and then prayed and commanded all pain and all illnesses, naming them all individually, to come out and cease. This seemed too generalized for me and similar things happened throughout the week. There is weird stuff that passes itself off as belonging to God and I want to be discerning.

One thing that reassured me was the pamphlet I saw and took, advertising a conference their church is sponsoring later in the year. The conference is accredited by the Wagner Leadership Institute (Canada). I don’t know a whole lot about Peter Wagner and his ministries, but what I do know has been good and someone whom I respect a lot has high respect for Peter Wagner and so to see his stamp of approval on this conference made me realize that this couple, as strange as some of the things they did were, aren’t completely off in left field.

Actually, the conference, said to be "apostolic", rather intrigued me. The speakers are from the Ukraine, Nigeria, Malaysia, Texas and British Columbia. I had asked Danielle the first week to explain what apostolic meant and though she tried I didn’t really understand. I still don’t, but I wondered about this conference. I had also heard that Darlene, from the first week, was coming back in October to lead a prophetic intercession retreat/conference. Should I be going to these?

The answer was given the next day. Femi and Remi hadn’t mentioned anything about the conference. They were continuing to talk about change and said, “God is doing a new thing with an apostolic and prophetic anointing on his people. The window is open only a short time; now is the time to enter before it closes.” I wrote later, in response, I don’t know if Femi meant those two sentences to be connected but they’ve connected for me. I am at this camp because I changed churches to the Vineyard. Because I’m here [at this camp], I have opportunities to attend the two conferences [I mentioned above]. I believe this is the open window. If I don’t attend, I’m missing the opportunity God is creating for me. I must go. I don’t know how I’m going to afford it but I’m going to go to both.

A big part of the problem with the first conference was the cost. The conference itself wasn’t expensive but where would I stay? I’d be there 6 days. I can’t afford hotel accommodations for that long. I’m trying to pay off my debts and live within my means. I didn’t want to add to my credit card debt so what should I do? And yet God had made it plain that he wanted me to go. As I tumbled these thoughts over the week, an idea came to me. I used to go to a biennial Christian education conference in Southern Manitoba and because they expected lots of people from out of town, the sponsoring churches would provide billets. I took advantage of that one year and was really blessed by the family I stayed with. Would Femi and Remi’s church do the same? Dare I ask? It was scary to even think of asking them but if I was to go, this would be the only way so finally, towards the end of the week I got up the courage. I told them I wanted to go, couldn’t afford the hotels and would anyone in their church be willing to billet? Remi thought they would and so I gave her my registration form and fee and am officially registered for the entire event. I’ve also paid and registered for the weekend conference at the camp later in the fall. I have no idea why I’m going to these events, other than God is telling me to, and I have no idea what God plans to do with my going. What does he have in mind? What is he preparing me for? I don’t have a clue.

Bitter Root Judgments

I’ve never really understood bitter root judgments but learned that they exist when we made judgments against someone in the past and that judgment has become a bitter root in our lives. It causes all sorts of devastation.

I knew the moment the topic was introduced that this is something I have against my husband and which has formed the foundation and root of much ill in my life—-physical illness as well as bad circumstances. We did corporate prayer at the end of the talk and then those who felt this was dealt with in their lives were dismissed and the rest of us invited to come to the front for prayer.

I’ve been one of the first ones up every time, partly because I always know I need prayer but also because I’m conscious of time and my need to get to bed as early as possible. This time I could feel my bladder needing relief so I prayed that I would be prayed for first. It didn’t happen. I agreed with God that I would stay until my bladder insisted I go. If that happened, I wouldn’t return for prayer. Maybe I didn’t need any, I thought. The other thing was that I really wanted Danielle to be the one to pray for me because she has prayed for me the previous 2 nights and she’s beginning to understand my history. She also understands my problems because she’s been in similar places with HER husband. This makes it easier. I don’t have to do so much explaining. Well, the way it was looking, I was going to be last and it wouldn’t be Danielle ministering to me. My feet were burning but my agreement wasn’t about my feet, it was about my bladder and that was holding. Danielle finally became free again and went to the person beside me. Bless that woman’s heart, she said that I was there first, pray for me first, and so I got Danielle and didn’t have to wait any longer.

I told Danielle about my judgments and bitterness against my husband. I explained that I have been through the process of forgiving him and meaning it—-I don’t WANT to continue the bitterness and judgment but I don’t know how to stop. She began to pray. While she was praying, it occurred to me. My mom had a lot of bitterness and judgment against my dad. I learned it from her. I didn’t know any other way to respond to a husband’s sin against me. And she didn’t either because her mother did the same thing. Wow! But I don’t need to follow my mother’s example. I’m discovering all sorts of sins of my mother against me. This is another and I don’t need to copy her. I am my own person. I can choose to be forgiving and loving. I can choose to love my husband despite all the evil he has perpetrated against me.

After she prayed, she began to talk and tell me about her relationship with her husband. He was abusive to her and she held much bitterness against him. God confronted her about this and asked her if she would yield to Him. She didn’t want to. All her flesh rebelled against doing so but she wanted to be obedient to God and so she agreed. God began to do a heart transplant in her while her husband was having a physical heart transplant. The previous month he had been telling her, “I don’t know how to let you into my heart.” Ten days after her discussion with God, her husband told her, “You are in my heart.” I started to cry. I want to let my husband into MY heart. I want to be in his.

I told her what God had shown me about my mother's example while she was praying and she agreed that this was very significant and that it was indeed the root of my bitterness and judgment. She also pointed out that bitterness and judgment can happen because of others’ sin against us. Did she mean my mother’s sin of how she referred to Dad? Did she mean my husband’s sin against me?

Danielle prayed that God would change my heart and heal me. She was so compassionate. She also led me several times through prayers of various sorts.

So, I realize that my husband loves me. God has told me this and God does not lie. I have been copying my mother’s sinful behaviour in how I respond to my husband’s sinfulness against me and that has been wrong of me. I have to stop copying her and instead do what God has called me to do—-forgive unconditionally regardless of how my husband treats me and love him because he is worthy of love, not because of his behaviour but because he is created in God’s image.

God, please plant this so deeply in my heart that these truths will govern all my behaviour towards dh. Help me please!

There wasn’t much the rest of the week that really hit home for me except for one thing. I realized that I’ve been like the elder brother of the prodigal son to my husband. I have not rejoiced in his return to God. I have questioned his genuineness. I’ve seen his failings and his sin instead of seeing why and loving him and rejoicing over his coming back to God.

Soul Ties

I’ve had lots of teaching on soul ties. Up till now, I’ve been taught that soul ties are created by sexual interaction but the speaking team broadened it to include non-sexual relationships. David and Jonathan had a healthy soul tie. We have healthy soul ties to God and, if we have a good marriage, there are healthy soul ties to our spouse. But there are unhealthy soul ties and what came to mind? Pearl [name has been changed--see "My Story" and/or "Searching for Love" for more information]. I recognized that I am still tied to her. I still want her and to be with her. Really, what I want is what I perceived she gave me which she didn’t really but it felt that way. I also recognized that until I truly want to give her up, I won’t. What keeps me holding on to her, God? Is it my need for love, a legitimate need that really only you can fill and which I know in my head you are filling and which I know, at least in part in my spirit, and yet your love for me hasn’t yet dominated my horizons and every fibre of my being. I need that, God. I need to be so dominated by your love, so overwhelmed by it that I seek no other source. I don’t want to desire the water from dirty wells anymore.

The big thing with the teaching on soul ties, however, was my marriage. It is majorly unhealthy. There was so much talked about this. God designed marriage to have:
1) Complete trust on both sides of the relationship
2) Mutual respect for each other as people
3) Appreciation and encouragement of each other’s gifts and abilities
4) An uninhibited sexual relationship which is the fruit of harmony in spirit, soul and body
5) Physical care of each other and of the children
6) Joint desire to put God first in the relationship
7) Absence of domination and manipulation and control from either partner

We don’t have this.

Danielle taught that the marital soul-ties which began as godly can become perverted and broken. That is what has happened with my husband and me.

Anyway, I told Danielle, who was the one praying for me, about my husband and Pearl. She prayed regarding both and broke the ties. As she prayed about my husband, I sobbed and sobbed, even making embarassingly loud noises. Someone stood behind me, ready to catch me (if I fell over, slain in the Spirit—-which happened with some but not all as they were being prayed for and ministered to). I wonder how much he overheard. In fact, I wonder how much everyone overheard because it was quiet in the place and Danielle spoke loudly to me. At least it seemed that way. But it doesn’t matter. I want healing, not privacy.

Please heal me, God.

The next morning, the man who had stood behind me to catch me if I fell (though I had forgotten about his presence then) came to the kitchen and spoke to me about my husband so maybe he DID overhear what I was telling Danielle. Doesn’t matter. This is a man I had observed when I had visited the camp in May, a man of great spiritual discernment and power. He told me that in his minimal interaction with my husband the previous month (my husband had been at camp two weeks without me), he noticed that something is seriously wrong with him. His gaiety is a cover-up for something, but the man couldn't put his finger on what it was. I told him that we have been married for 31 years and it's never been a happy marriage. His comment was that I have been faithful (to God) and my husband has not. That's more or less the truth, though this man had no way of knowing because he knows neither of us. The man will be interceding for my husband, for which I am very grateful.

Interestingly, it was sometime during this day that God told me that it would be at this camp where our marriage will be healed. I realized that it might not be this year or it might be but not show up till months later and only in retrospect would we know by tracing it back to this camp. It was a thought I pondered on the rest of my time there.

Rejection

The topic for the second night at camp was Rejection.

There was so much good teaching. I sat at the back by the right wall. When we were invited for prayer, I was the second one up. I got prayed for first [something I hoped for every night so I could be ministered to and yet get to bed early enough that I could have a good night’s sleep before getting up in the morning]. I know I have huge rejection issues. I was thinking during the sermon of how my husband used to always call me fat and lazy even when I wasn't. That’s huge rejection. Just before ministry time, I thought of how he demanded submission when we got married. That too was rejection—I wasn’t equal to him. It was about then that I felt Jesus behind me, reach his arms in front of me and grasp me to him. And, instead of nuzzling my neck with his nose as he had done at a conference last month, he kissed my neck with his lips. What an awesome experience. I am loved! It was when Danielle prayed about my loneliness (she didn’t ask any questions about what my issues were with rejection), that I started sobbing. After she finished praying, the angel sentinel standing beside the front window immediately to the right of the platform winked at me. That’s all. He winked, as if he and I were sharing a special secret. Is that wink a promise of healing?

I realized something as I sat down. The question we’ve been encouraged to ask both yesterday and today is, “What are the lies you’re believing?” I tried to figure out what the lie is in “You’re fat. You’re lazy. You have to submit to me.” And what it is is, “You’re not good enough.” That’s the lie that I have lived my whole life with. I have believed I’m not good enough. But I AM! Jesus says so. God’s Word says so. I am good enough because I’m created by God. You made me, God! You value me regardless of my size, regardless whether the things I do are valued by my husband or others or not. I am good enough to do that which you have called me to—-whether it is cooking for two weeks at this camp (what a daunting proposition!), writing a book, speaking publicly or encouraging those who are struggling with the same issues I have. I am good enough to be my husband’s wife and my boys’ mother. I am good enough to be part of any social group. I am good enough that I can give my opinions, join others in their conversations, initiate social events or simple conversation. I am good enough to bless others. I am good enough to be loved by You and if others don’t love or like me, that’s THEIR problem, not mine.

Thank you for showing me this, God! Thank you so much for exposing the lie and showing me the truth.

I spent much of the night thinking about rejection and the insight God had given me. I took the time in the morning before going downstairs to start breakfast to write:

I am good enough that I don’t need to hide in the backwater of unsuccess.
I am good enough that I can take all that God has for me instead of choosing sinful substitutes.

All day I thought about this, so that in the afternoon I wrote,

Can I believe that my husband is good enough? Can I believe he’s good enough to receive respect from me? Do I tell him that he's not good enough? I need to think about this.

An Introduction to Week One of Camp

The speakers for the first week of camp were an apostolic team from Ontario, Canada—Glen, Danielle and Darlene. I had sat under Darlene's teaching when I had come to camp in May and was looking forward to more. Glen and Darlene are both pastors in different towns and Danielle has a high position with Women’s Aglow, travelling the country on behalf of that organization. They were all awesome speakers and awesome people. The amazing thing was that their topic for the week was exactly the sorts of topics that I’ve been exposed to the past several years with Neil Anderson’s Steps to Freedom in Christ, Cleansing Stream and Living Waters. As they began to speak the first night, my mind was blown away. I knew God wanted me there. I’m going to start by sharing what I wrote in my journal (all text in italics is from my journal).

…we were encouraged to pray, “Show me what hinders my advance.” We have issues, we ALL have issues and until we get to the root of those issues, we will continue to have buttons that get pushed and hooks that keep pulling us.

God, I want to get all the garbage away so the rats will stop being attracted to me. I want to be so whole that no matter what anyone does to me, I will respond as Jesus did on earth—-allowing You to rule me instead of being ruled by my emotions. Oh God, please make this possible. Glen prayed over me tonight. He asked that you would cocoon me, God, so I can receive and so I can burst out a butterfly.

Lord, Glen says you’re preparing each of us for something new. Please help me to abandon myself to you this week, even amidst the busyness of cooking, the pain of being on my feet all day every day and the discomfort and sluggishness of being sick. God, I commit myself to you. If there are any parts of me that aren’t committed, please change them. If there’s something I need to do to make that change, please make it clear to me so I will.

Glen says you want to tune us so we can make harmonies together. Please show me how to make harmony with my husband. Please? Bring healing to both our souls. Transform us, so we can be relational with each other and be empowered by our relationship to serve you more completely. Each of us are easily offended by the other, God. Please change that. Show me what bitter root judgments I have and please show me how to uproot them. I want to change. I don’t want to be pulled by things from the past. Show me where I still have unforgiveness, God, and help me to forgive. Free me from these chains that keep me bitter, especially towards my husband but also to others. Show me where these roots of bitterness are and against whom they’re aimed. Help me to accept him even though he’s different.

God, I still believe a lot of lies about me, about my husband and about others. Please reveal these lies to me—as much as I can handle this week and then continuing past, when I’m home. Show me the lies and help me to be willing to believe the truth, no matter how unbelievable it sounds. Please give me a clear mind on this, Lord!

I don’t want destroy your work in and through me, God, but I know that my dysfunction does that. Please redeem my dysfunction so I can help others and serve and reflect you completely. Lead me. Guide me. Direct me. Let me not deny the truth you show me and let me not run from it. Let me face it honestly, no matter how it hurts, and heal me.

What do you want to do in my life, God? What area do you want to heal emotionally? What relationships do you want to restore? Please replace the things the enemy has stolen, Lord. Please return romance to our marriage. Unravel me so I can be made whole. Take me where you want.

Thank you for loving me, Father. Thank you for loving me, Jesus. Thank you for coming to me tonight and nuzzling my neck again. You gave me so much joy and I felt loved. You ARE the lover of my soul. Thank you so very, very much.

Cooking for Fifty

I try to keep this blog to spiritual matters but some of my readers may be interested in reading my adventures as camp cook for two weeks. To view my verbose ramblings, go here. My spiritual adventures at camp will be appearing in the next day or two.